A Friend, Indeed

        When I create a post, typically it is founded by something on my mind or heart, the week before.  If I'm not moved by emotion in some way, it is less likely I'll be effective in expressing a point or message in a way I'm satisfied with sharing.  Inasmuch as I've had something significantly on my mind, let's see how this happens, for this week!

“I think if I've learned anything about friendship,

it's to hang in, stay connected, fight for them, and let them fight for you.

Don't walk away, don't be distracted, don't be too busy or tired, don't take them for granted.

Friends are part of the glue that holds life and faith together.

Powerful stuff.”

~ Jon Katz

        This quote happened to stand out to me, as I looked for the right way to honor the subject of my thoughts: a dear friend of mine who has been facing a monumentally challenging event, this week.  Over the years, our level of contact has waxed and waned, but the old saying is true, in that the best kinds of friends are the ones that, no matter how long you've been apart, as soon as you're back together, it's like not a day has passed since the last time you were together!  

        This kinship has lasted since we were kids, and I have always thought of him with terms like, my "angel" and "kindred spirit twin".  From the moment we met, it has seemed like he's always "just known" when I've hit my lowest, darkest moments, and just before I'll have given up for lost, he'll pop up out of nowhere, even after years of no interaction, and sometimes he "just knew," and sometimes he didn't realize it, but we'll reconnect and catch up, and by the time we're done, we'll be smiling again.  And as for myself, I've dreamed things over the years which turned out to have actually happened to him; usually powerful, life-changing things, though we weren't in touch so I couldn't have known.  I've always treasured his place in my life, and been deeply grateful for him.

        When this friend found me early last week, he told me what was happening, and said that he'd hoped to be able to wait until after it had happened, so that he could just let me know it was over and all was well.  However, eventually he realized I would not want it to happen that way - I would want to be able to support him!  I also think he must have felt a need to have that, too.  And so he reached out to me.  It just so happened that I've been having a rather rough time of things in my own way, and so having him pop up and want to chat with me was a very welcome thing!  We were intermittently able to keep each other company, via the internet, through a couple of long nights, as he worked grave shifts and I have chronic insomnia which makes that sort of thing work out well, in a lot of situations.

One thing *I* have learned about friendship, 

is that the above quote is very, very true.

        Over the years, this buddy and I have each had some wickedly difficult challenges, and when we make contact, there are moments it feels like we are able to bridge the gaps and soothe the pains that still hurt from the past and affect the present, and healing could finally begin to occur that just couldn't without the background understanding that our bond carries.  Friends are part of the glue that holds life and faith together.  It allows history to converge with the present in ways that only these kinds of whanau can truly appreciate.  

        I've had others who have described this sort of thing with situations from their own pasts.  For them, also, the mere act of reconnecting seems to open a portal to thoughts and feelings which remind them of the persons they used to be, of who they are, and for some, to ponder whether or not adjustments need to be made to bring about their greatest happiness.  And these don't have to be life-long associations, either: sometimes two people meet, and even though they've never met before, it feels more like they are catching up, rather than getting to know each other.  I've had that kind of relationship, too, and it can be just as powerful, in its own right.

        In general, however, my ability to be a friend has changed over time, as my life has worked its way into my understanding of life, and has drained much of my energy.  I used to be the one who made sure to keep regular contact with as many people as possible, checking up on them and being sure to let them know they were loved and appreciated.  I would often get expressions of thanks, and apologies for not having it be mutual effort.  "I'm sorry I'm such a bad friend, but...." (Basically, life gets in the way.)  

Don't walk away,

don't be distracted,

don't be too busy or tired,

don't take them for granted.

         As my health has become more challenging, physically, mentally and emotionally, my energy levels have decreased monumentally, and I am unable to put as much effort into maintaining my relationships as I once was.  The day I made the choice to not reach out as regularly, anymore, I actually cried, feeling a huge loss.  And not long after that, another kind of grief emerged: I realized that not one of those with whom I had regularly connected, actually reached out to so much as find out what had happened.  

        My life has taught me to accept people as they come, and to not demand nor expect them to be nor do anything.  I realize and recognize that we are all different, all ever-changing over time, and that is a good thing!  Sometimes we feel this need to force someone to stay the same, for us, because their changing and growing can upset our equilibrium, and humans are reluctant to change, anyway.  We generally fight it, and so when someone else begins the process, we resist.  I'm not sure if these familiar links of mine have simply adapted to my changes without concern, or if they truly are just too distracted... too busy or tired... to hang in, stay connected, (and) fight for (our friendship), as I tried to do for so long.  

        For me, it has simply taught me the value of the kind of friendships which are mutually attentive and feed each other.  I am now developing new acquaintances, with others who feel that sense of value, as well, and it has been a beautiful, healing and nourishing experience, on both sides.  Our relationships are not always about casual and happy things, but are willing to be in those sometimes dark places, with empathy, as Brené Brown explains so eloquently.  I'm grateful for friends like my angel, and for those others who come and go freely about my life, and with whom I can commiserate and feel a sense of mutual love and support, when they are there.  In this list, I include many of those who have come into my life via the PB Facebook Community Page, as I am deeply grateful that each day I can log in and feel this wonderful feeling of reciprocation and mutual support, not only with myself but with each other, as well!  

        If I could give you, readers, a challenge... it would be... to be a friend.  Stay in contact.  Even just send a text, an email or even a "snail mail" card or letter.  Even better, use a phone and actually use your voice to communicate! (Did you know, they work that way?)  The most ideal: find a way to connect in person, if at all possible!  Make a friend.  Be a friend.  Don't let go of those whom you love, because when they slip away, it is a very sorry loss.  If they are worth calling them your friends, then they are worth calling, and keeping in touch.

        We are as worth it as they are.
        And it can make all the difference in the world to both, to feel connected.

        Better days ahead, my friends!