"It's not who you are that holds you back,
it's who you think you're not."
~ Author Unknown
So...avoid self-sabotage.
Sounds like a good idea, right?
"What steps can you take to keep self-doubt from attacking?" Christine Morgan asks in her book I'm using to explore my journey a little deeper than I have in a while. If you've been following along, it's Week 6, and as I read the commentary and other items Christine includes in her book, I'm finding that this is truly a guide to self-discovery. (Again, I'm not in any way affiliated with her, nor her book, except that I got it and am using it with her permission. I get nothing, nor expect anything, from sharing my progress here, except hopefully a bit of self-awareness and understanding.)
Anyway...this week is actually a really interesting week for having this question. I have to appear in court, to testify for something. It's something I've seen coming, but now that it's here, I've been a nervous wreck! Everything in me doubts that I'll be able to handle everything this week represents to me, and all of the memories that I had no idea I'd tied to this experience seem to flood me at every, vulnerable moment! Until I read this question, I didn't even realize how much this self-doubt has been affecting me, nor how much this could sabotage what I need to do.
A fair bit of the time, when faced with an immediate situation involving an emotional response, I simply launch into a panic attack. Anyone who has Panic Disorder, or has even only had one panic attack in their lifetime, knows that this is not the most preferable way to handle stress. It is next to impossible to have a mature response on the outside, when a panic attack is in session. But when the situation is a long, slow one that builds in intensity as time passes, and a major event is on the horizon, culminating the anxiety over days, weeks, months or even years...it is possible to have panic attacks in the interim, but mostly the fear and anxiety simply builds.
In steps my deepest, most secret-esque weapon: depersonalization. Big word, huh? It's a form of something with another scary-sounding name, called dissociation. Along the path of my life, there were experiences early on that were so intensely emotional and/or painful, but that I couldn't escape, so I simply pulled back as far inside as I needed, in order to avoid having to experience the situation as vibrantly as reality presented it. Now, this wasn't the worst coping mechanism I could have developed, but it isn't exactly the most healthy way to face the stress of life, either. Thanks to genetic and developmental factors, I've a variety of anxiety-related issues, as well as this coping style, and they all work against each other...til I'm a bit of a mess.
There is a movie called, "Numb", and it is about a guy (played by a rather popular, US actor named Matthew Perry), who develops depersonalization. If you're curious, and don't mind some blatant use of rather vulgar language and a mature-rated moment here and there (it is Rated R), it's a pretty good description, as such things go. It was by no means caused by the same thing that caused my development of the disorder, but the disorientation and emotional response is similar.
For me in the everyday, most often it presents as a simple inability to notice emotional, or even physical, responses to things that are happening. If I start feeling nervous, grumpy, otherwise inappropriately upset or irritated, I have to stop and try to figure out the actual cause. Am I hungry? In pain? Need to use the restroom? Anxious? I have to practice mindfulness and open my mind to my circumstances, in order to remedy whatever is causing my internal discomfort.
At other times, it can be more straightforward, for instance, I would be in a more intense situation that makes me anxious, but from which I can't exit, nor even move away. I start to feel disconnected, like I'm not exactly part of my body. I'm less able to concentrate, retain information, and my general memory gets a bit muddled. If the situation continues, or increases in intensity, I'll likely begin to feel as though there is a pressure in my head. It feels like my skull is being filled with cotton. Mental functions become much more difficult. The greater the external pressure, the more cotton gets stuffed into my head, til it begins to fill my ears and push against the backs of my eyes. It can even move into my chest, and in extreme circumstances, can then spread slowly through my body. I become numb to the situation and practically unable to function in it.
Talk about self-sabotage! And as I prepare for this week, and the fear of the outcome, I'm feeling myself slowly slipping into the mist. So, how can I try to keep myself from becoming human fog?
In my pain/emotional balance therapy, I learned that this skill I've mentioned in earlier posts, mindfulness, is a powerful key to taking back one's personal power and taking control of the situation so that it doesn't turn me into a victim. Because in reality, that is why I've developed this self-defeating coping style, and playing the victim years after I am legally considered capable of handling my own emotional responses needs to stop.
Easy? Heh...not even close. At least, for me. Dissociation, including depersonalization, is not something one pulls out of a hat on a whim. It is practically an autonomic response, and therefore the only way to handle it, is to train the mind to combat it with effective techniques so that it doesn't trigger the body into a stress response. Mindfulness is a great start, but so is reminding myself of the Bigger Picture, and how the situation truly fits into the Grand Scheme of Life. I have to actually tell myself, out loud, that things are not what they seem to be, and that I have the strength and ability to face and deal. I also have adopted a physical, grounding item, kind of like a mental and emotional talisman, which helps me train myself to be in the present moment, instead of letting myself follow a trigger into another place and/or time. In time, it can certainly help.
How am I doing? As the time grows closer, I'm seeing my typical signs, though I'm not feeling them. My childhood habit of compulsively biting my nails, for instance. I will often break out in hives as stressful events approach. Sometimes my hair begins to fall out. I may revisit my old eating disorder, and change weight. My blood pressure rises. I become more careless and clumsy, finding an increase in bruises I can't identify, nor can I remember the cause. These are a few signs that when I see them, I know it is time to try to face my fear and vent it, if possible.
I face it by searching out loved ones to surprise, with a mention of thinking about them; I talk with my closest friends about it, to help me process things; I write in my journal. I go to the pool clinic, to help burn off the emotional energy and toxic chemicals that build up in stress, as well as giving myself strength. I try to remember to breathe; slowly, deeply and with purpose. Basically, I try to remember I need to take care of myself, to focus on the reality of the situation...and try to maintain hope. This time, I've felt a loss of hope and faith in the idea that things will work out. In a likely unhealthy way, this has proven generally comforting in my life, as I'm not likely to be hit with too many surprises...because I don't handle surprises of that nature, well. But that's a battle for another day, perhaps.
Enough of that for now. What more can I say? I always welcome respectful questions and/or comments, as they help us all learn and grow. Please feel free to post them here, or on the PB Facebook community page. Meanwhile, I'm going to try to remember to ~breathe~ ...and not hyperventilate, if possible.
Better days ahead, my friends.
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