Ever meet someone who just "rubs you the wrong way"? They might seem rude, or mean. Maybe they intimidate or scare you. Perhaps you just don't see eye to eye, and you don't like their perspective. Whatever the reason, it seems like they get on your nerves and sometimes you don't even care why; you just don't like them and don't like having them around!Yeah, I've never had that happen either. Ahem.
For those who might have a clue what I mean, however, these words from one who understands both conflict and peace, might seem fluttery on one side, and wishful thinking on another!
Whenever you are confronted with an opponent, conquer him with love.
~ Mahatma Gandhi
Perhaps the reason this quote speaks to me as I compose this post, happens to be related to my having had a very rough day, and the last thing I've needed is to come face-to-face with a quote about opponents, conquering and love all in the same sentence! Seems like every time I've tried to come to the point of working on the PB Facebook Community Page, my bad attitude permeated everything I saw and read til all I could feel in response was snarky and annoyed. :( Not exactly my most shining moment.
Those who follow the FB Page might recall that day, since I admitted that I was having a rough one and kinda gave up on the idea of trying to even try. Not always the worst option, when it feels like all I'm going to do is infuse negative energy into the community, which nobody needs! Obviously I don't make that a regular habit, and am grateful for the patience shown to me. Some days are just like that, you know? I tried all day to reframe things into a more positive perspective, but that dark cloud must have been full of glue or something!
So why have I gone on about this longer than would probably be desired? Well, it actually illustrates part of the quote's point, oddly enough. It may do it by scribbling all over it in those big, toddler crayons, but it at least will seem distinguishable by the end.
One can hope.
You remember, from before, that person who rubs you the wrong way? Well, let's pretend that you were in a local store, shopping, and suddenly I, with my grumpy, irritable, acrid, little attitude problem, comes along and my cart slams into yours as I grumble by, glaring at you when I catch you looking at me.
How would you react to that? Honestly? You might choose some labels for me, and my behavior, which are as unbecoming as you can make them, since clearly you think I and my behavior deserve it. You might tell your shopping companion(s) about me, and maybe even share your irritation on a social media platform, earning plenty of sympathetic and equally-incensed comments and replies!
But what if I was your close friend, whom you see and chat with regularly? How would you react, then? You can tell this is totally out of the ordinary for me, so you're probably going to care about what had me in such a sour mood! Your response is likely going to be one of caring and concern, rather than annoyance and short temper.
So... what's the difference?
Whether or not you know me in this example, my behavior is the same. I'm just as ornery, and just as rude, but if you know me as a friend, you're more likely to see this behavior as due to something upsetting me, rather than my just being a [label]face.
See the difference, yet?
Do you realize that in both examples, everything was the same, except your perception of the context of my behavior? As my friend, you automatically assume the better of me and care that I'm going through something that would have me feeling the way that would lead me to those actions; but as a stranger, you're more likely to reflect the bitterness you sense, or perhaps even retaliate in some form, possibly escalating the negative situation further.
So how do we apply Gandhi's advice?
Funny you should ask! ;)
Whenever you are confronted with an opponent, conquer him with love.
In the second example, I am nothing to you but some [label] who has blown by, scattering rays of dark energy, and so all you know of me is that I'm negative and rub you the wrong way. You see me as an opponent, even if not in the strictly traditional sense of the word (hopefully you aren't getting set to do some kind of battle, anyway). I have come along, interrupting your day with my grumpiness, and how dare I?
What if you treated me like an opponent, in that more traditional sense? What if you got angry, got up in my face and started pushing me around, picking a fight and blaming me for starting it? How well do you think that will turn out, no matter how it turns out?
But what if you took a minute to consider me from a more empathic approach? I'm a person, just like you, and you've had moments when you have felt like I look, and maybe you can think of reasons you might have seemed that way. Maybe it was one of those days you've been in some kind of pain; had something go wrong in a major way; or had simply been having "one of those days", and were just trying to make it to the end of the day. You know those days, and if you or someone you love were having a day like that, you'd want to be given a fair amount of compassion, right?
Whenever you are confronted with an opponent, conquer him with love.
If you don't know me, you don't have to give me a hug and ask me to tell you what's wrong, because that is generally the kind of thing a more personal friend would be more likely to do. But a little compassion can go a long way, sometimes.
When I've been in a public place and have come across someone looking like that, I've found that something simple, but kind, can pull someone out if their murky mindset quickly. It kind of depends on the circumstances, but I've been known to give a seemingly-random, but sincere compliment. I've occasionally made a joke about the situation, even self-effacing in a gentle way. I've tried to help them look for what they are searching to find, or if appropriate, suggested things that might be a better idea in a friendly way, depending on context. Basically, reminding a person there is still love and light in the world can work wonders.
Actually, many of my closest and dearest friendships have been made this way. If someone annoys or intimidates me, I've learned to seek out the reason, and create a connection that somehow turns what could have become enemies, even, into my friends. Often, kindness and friendship - love - is the best cure for negative or acerbic behavior. And who couldn't do with another friend, or two?
So perhaps Mahatma Gandhi had something, there! Perhaps we could work on helping create a bit more love and light in the world! Perhaps those toddler crayons are far, more comfortable and less likely to break into bits than regular ones, and can do just as good a job of illustrating a point, after all, if you know how to do it properly. ;)
Better days ahead, my friends!
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