Life is weird.
You try, you fail.
Then you try, and you might fail again.
And then comes the important part:
you try again whether or not you fail, or succeed.
And the thing is, it's true for all of us, in our own ways,
from our first breath, to our first steps,
from our first word, to our first rule,
from our first time we write, to our first time we fight,
from our first date, to our first job...
...there will always be things to fail, and to try again.
If I think about it, though, that is kind of just the way life works. Whether or not you subscribe to the idea of evolution, it is still true that those living things that succeed are the ones that are able to rise from the ashes of failure and make another go of it. Maybe it's those strains of bacteria that are resistant to treatment. Perhaps it's those animals or humans who are able to recover from the infections those bacteria cause, and become resistant in the future. Perhaps it's the trees or other plants that have the ability to reproduce themselves in ways that actually benefit from wildfire, high winds, or otherwise destructive situations. Those that are able to adapt in some way, are able to survive and allow life in this world to move forward.
In my life, I have certainly had my share of choices that I felt were the best of whatever options I had, even during those times when all the options were unwanted, and often would lead to pain or some kind of destruction to someone or something. My nature is to build, and to nurture, and to do what I can to make things generally better for all, so to have to make those painful types of decisions is especially difficult, and sometimes, even harder to live with having made them. I'm not sure if everyone would think that these types of situations would be considered "failures", but then again, life is weird.
Maybe you've said:
"I want a do-over!
I want to go back to life before any of this happened,
but making different decisions!"
Believe it or not, I do understand that feeling. I do. Because how would it be to know then what we know now, and start over again? "If only...." Unfortunately, the If Onlys can only be made in retrospect, and I can't imagine how it would be to know what we know now, go back, and find out we made the best of the worst choices, after all, and had to do them all over again! Who knows, though - maybe we already did, but made better choices, and this is where it led us? Or, maybe if we did make those different choices, we would end up having given up some of the most treasured things of our current circumstances? Never know!
One thing I've learned over the past, several years of my life, is that in reality, there doesn't seem to be a concrete law of "what is right" and "what is wrong"; "what is good" and "what is bad." There only seems to be "that which brings favorable consequences" and "that which brings undesired consequences" though even that is only delineated by the mind seeking the balance. We humans make arbitrary rules all the time, even Catch-22-style demands of each other and ourselves that we then use power to determine who gets to do what, and what is a "pass" and what is a "fail".
Life is so rarely black-and-white, and we seem to benefit so much from taking a step back and seeing truth and consequences for what they are truly worth. Sometimes what we see as pass/fail situations are actually just doorways toward a new set of choices, and as we progress along the way, we learn things. Eventually, we typically learn to breathe; walk; speak; follow rules; write our names; solve conflicts; form meaningful relationships; and find ways to contribute and interact with society in ways that benefit us, as well. And of course, we also have to remember that each of us is not the only person/force of nature at work in our lives. We each are also the beneficiary and victim of those other people/forces that act in ways that bring consequences and can influence the course of our lives, as well.
I guess I'm just thinking about all of this because lately I've been having to make choices based on the recent circumstances of a decision/consequence stream begun deep in the past, some contributions not my own, and many have been entirely unexpected and in some ways incredibly painful. Of course, no one could have predicted some things, like the complication of my body's time bomb we had no idea existed - mostly because EDS is so rare few even know it exists, and fewer what to do with it, but also because I had no particularly obvious signs that there was anything wrong until the last, 7 years or so, and they've come more quickly than I and my medical team can keep up. But there are many other people and circumstances in a life, and they all form a network of choices and consequences that are only interpreted according to the one making the observations.
So I suppose what I'm doing right now is trying to mindfully take inventory of those things going on in my life, and trying to come to some decisions about what I want to choose with regard to those things. Kind of like what we here call, "spring cleaning", wherein we sort out what to keep, what to give away, and what to throw away. With some things, those kinds of choices are easier than with others, and I know I'm not the only one to have to go through these sort of things while not feeling at our best. Oh to go back to before this all happened, and...! Hah!
Better days ahead, my friends!
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