*peeks out, warily, blinking in the light*I know... it seems like forever since I've written. Or maybe it doesn't to you, but it does to me. I keep trying to get to the point of having something I want to post, but then it just never seems to happen. I do have a few drafts back here that could have been sent, but I can only really send from an actual computer, though many of my posts are composed on my phone, late at night while I'm avoiding sleeping.
Tonight, however, I'm avoiding sleeping, still at my laptop, where I've been spending my waking hours for over a month, instead of sitting at my desk...or pretty much anywhere, because I've had a "pinched" nerve in my spine, rendering me nearly immobile for a while. Because after all, I had gotten bored of the same ol', and why not remind me to be a bit more grateful for the things I still have, rather than grieving the things I've lost, or never had? So while I'm actually doing better, able to walk some and finding the physical therapy is helping me get to the point of feeling more functional, as the PT said, it will likely be a few months before I reach the point of where I was when this started...which, while I am grateful for the progress, is kinda discouraging in the fact that I was already in PT to treat another issue!!
*sigh*
I guess tonight I'm just trying to catch up on something that makes me feel like I've at least done something that contributes to the world in some form. Ever feel that way? Like if you could just do ___, things would seem so much better? Not that I really subscribe to the notion that things have to magically line up in some way in order for one to be content, happy and/or feeling fulfilled! But still... for me, not being able to contribute to the good of the world in some form is difficult. And starting over, trying to get to a point I had thought was bad, so that I might at some point in the next year get to a point I might actually consider "okay"...
Yeah, this is why I've not been writing. But I think I'm going to just let this one fly, because quite honestly, it hasn't been about my being lazy or losing interest... it's been about my hitting a point in my life when things are just a bit too heavy for me to be able to juggle everything. Because I know everyone has those times, it would only be fair of me to include these kinds of moments in this little text journey, as I created this project originally to demonstrate to some reader out there, somewhere, that they are not alone, in those days that feel like something from an apocalyptic horror movie.
No, life isn't really *that* bad. But weeks on end of level 7+ pain and inability to get anything visibly done kind of gets boring after a while, you know? I've had to cancel over a month's worth of all kinds of events, appointments, activities... it's just lost the brilliant luster of the new toy effect. But I am seeing progress! The inversion table (which I've been calling The Contraption) seems to have been amazing at helping decompress my spine, and I went from a nearly complete inability to walk to fairly functional in a matter of weeks! Today I even went back into the pool, even if it was only floating for maybe 20 minutes, and has left me exhausted and kind of ill. But oh, how wonderful it was to be back in that warm water! I look forward to doing that again, soon!
I guess, if I was to say a "moral of the story" for this post, it would be... perhaps that while we're not as alone as we sometimes feel, deep in the shadows of life's more sinister moments, someone out there does understand that that doesn't always make it easier nor feel better. And that's okay. Because sometimes Life just throws stuff at us that we don't understand, we don't like, and we don't know how to handle. I've been learning a great deal about how to adapt to living with pain and illness, and make creative use of what one has in order to make what is there, work.
Physical and mental issues are only part of the trouble with this muddled, messy life of mine. But I can still see that there is good in this world; light and hope and love out there...and within me, too. It isn't a matter of finding it inside, though... one must create it. Once created, the rest of the world seems to begin to change, because our perspective is being viewed through the lens of our new understanding. And evidently I'm having a relatively light moment, because I can tell you that, and believe it. Gotta love the brain's mind games sometimes, hmm?
My friends, though I cannot make your pains of mind, body and heart go away, I wish you peace, love, and light. I give you my hope and the love of one whom you have likely not met, or if you have, it has been so long ago we're probably not the same people we were, anymore. That is actually a great kind of love, because it is completely independent of anything having to do with you. You didn't have to earn it, deserve it, beg for it...it's just there for you, waiting for you to accept it. And I hope you will accept it, because it's good for you. Well, it's good for me, too, quite frankly. I'm not going to deny that.
Better day tomorrow, my friends.
No comments:
Post a Comment