This week I'm going personal, again. After all, even though the PB Project is focused on us all, I'm still the one writing these posts, so you're going to get to see me get a little egocentric, from time to time.
But who knows?
Maybe what falls out of my head will help/inspire/entertain you, anyway.
'Never know.
This time of year is filled with all kinds of different challenges, for a lot of people. I'm one of those people for whom anniversaries tend to be emotionally-triggering, even when I'm not really paying attention to the date. I sometimes wonder why things feel the way they do, and notice the date, and realize that tomorrow will probably be somewhat better. This happens a lot for me, all through October-January, in addition to the loss of sunlight and cold and whatever else in the Northern Hemisphere, so pardon my weirdness, if you happen to notice any that doesn't seem like my normal weirdness. Things will be better when I have a second home in the Southern Hemisphere, after I wake up and realize I'm actually wealthy and healthy.
Ahem. Where was I? Oh yes... My point.
This week happens to be the anniversary of my father's entrance into this world. I didn't witness it, directly, and any who did are gone, now, but I'm pretty sure it happened. I've only seen pictures of when he was older, so I must assume he was a handsome baby who came into the world like most others.
By the time I made my own entrance, my father was 38. Let's just say he wasn't excitedly and joyfully anticipating the arrival, but did his best to make the best of what he could, to provide me as decent a home and life as was in his ability. When I turned 12, the divorce from my mother was being finalized, and he, at 50, became a single father of a young teen girl, himself having a long, slow, but terminal battle with congestive heart failure with multiple complications.
Shorter story... I would like to say we had a great, bonding experience, but Dad and I had our issues, growing up together. By the time he died, in fact, we weren't on the best of terms, and with all the memories of all the mess and chaos, it has taken me a while to get to this point.
And what is this point?
Funny you should ask!
I was just getting to the point!
For years, I've just put it all on the back burner, letting his memories sit there til I was ready to deal with them. Actually, I didn't think I'd mind if that time never came. However, the other day a song was played, and it reminded me of him. You see, when I was little, he and I had been the best of buddies, I following him everywhere and letting him teach me whatever he would. He told me, whenever the song came on, it touched his heart because it reminded him of me.
The song was, "You Needed Me.", written by Randy Goodrum, originally sung by Anne Murray. Many are familiar with it, and it has been covered by a number of artists, but the lyrics are below:
I cried a tear, you wiped it dry
I was confused, you cleared my mind
I sold my soul, you bought it back for me
And held me up and gave me dignity
Somehow you needed me
You gave me strength to stand alone again
To face the world out on my own again
You put me high upon a pedestal
So high that I could almost see eternity
You needed me, you needed me
And I can't believe it's you I can't believe it's true
I needed you and you were there
And I'll never leave, why should I leave, I'd be a fool
'Cause I finally found someone who really cares
You held my hand when it was cold
When I was lost, you took me home
You gave me hope when I was at the end
And turned my lies back into truth again
You even called me friend
You gave me strength to stand alone again
To face the world out on my own again
You put me high upon a pedestal
So high that I could almost see eternity
You needed me, you needed me
You needed me, you needed me
As I listened to the song, it made a new kind of sense to me. I realized that even though things were rough between us all those years, he really was doing the best he knew how, even if it wasn't great. And he did it because he knew that as his child, I needed him, and he refused to give up on me.
A bit later, I was telling a friend that whenever my dad and I watched some form of sports, he always "rooted for the underdog", a habit I developed and actually like about myself. So, as I started thinking about this post, I decided to consider things I got from him that I actually appreciate. There are always things I dislike, but there are good things, too. After all, what better way to overcome my need to avoid his painful memory, than to heal it with memories of goodness? Maybe I could begin to heal?
Here are some other things I adopted as part of myself, which I got from his example:
- I tend to befriend those who seem like the type others don't easily accept, for any of a variety of reasons... I've found some of the most beautiful friendships have come from those whom others don't take the time to get to know.
- I've learned the importance of being careful with money, be it finding the best value, using coupons, making my own cleaning products, recycling/upcycling, going without, or whatever else. We don't do much debt at our house, and it has been a great investment!
- I understand the value of choosing priorities to focus my time, attention, energy, and other resources, in order to determine where to dedicate them. And, I've also learned that having something for which to sacrifice is just as important as knowing what, and when, to make it. Sometimes not giving is actually a greater, and more worthy, sacrifice. Knowing the difference is tricky, but deeply important.
- I know that even if life doesn't work out the way we plan, we can still do a lot of good, with it. Making do in the situations we are living, and trying to keep a positive focus despite it all, can do more for us and others than we might expect.
- I'm very mindful of my health, it's many and complex facets, and how to keep track of how things progress. I know how to build and manage a healthcare team, and I'm aware that sometimes a person has to be on top of their own care, because when it comes down to complex cases, or even more simple ones, doctors are human and sometimes don't know what to do. Carrying a semi-complete case history, in addition to med list/allergies, helps the doctors know you are their partner in your care, and not leaving it all on their shoulders, whether they like it or not. If they don't, it's time to move on.
- I understand why taking care of one's body is vital. Proper diet, exercise, regular medical/dental/vision checkups when possible, and even things like flossing, can save huge amounts of time, money and grief down the road!
These things might seem silly, but I've never actually looked at them this way, before. I've been so focused on the pain of the ending, I couldn't bear to look beyond it, to the beauty of the history behind it! I'm not going to pretend I'm a totally changed person, nor that everything was nor is okay, but at least I have allowed myself to open up a little and let go of that layer of it all. Grief can be in stages, but sometimes it can also be in layers, and as we are brave enough to break and lift a new layer, the weight of the load we carry in that grief is lightened.
My friends, I guess if I was going to tell you something, for you, through this, it would probably be going back to that premise of the Project. We are all navigating this crazy journey we call life, together, and we're not alone, especially in some of the most basic parts of it. Loving often comes to grieving of some kind, and that is why there are so many of us out there; we can know that even in our deepest loss, we have a connection out there, somewhere, believing in us and walking beside our hearts. If nothing else, in running the PB Facebook Page part of the Project, I have learned that there are many, many people out there in the world, just wanting for someone to connect and relate with them. In a planet full of humans, each of us has the same desire! If only we could each be brave enough to stand up and be counted, open, and vulnerable, ready to be a part of that connection!
I guess I just stood up and said,
"Hi, I'm a human, and I want you to know,
that if you have ever felt like this,
or had an experience like this,
then you are not the only one."
Better days ahead, my friends.
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