As we find ourselves winding toward the end of another year, I have to take a moment to think about what that means, and for me in particular. So if you'd like to come along, I'm happy to take you along with me. Maybe something I end up saying will have something meaningful for you; if possible, perhaps for us both.Goodness, what a long year this has felt like, even aside of all the mess and chaos in the world around us! Around now begins what I've called my "Dark Ages of the Year," which is significant for me, though for various reasons it seems somewhat more challenging this time around; but it seems like the older I get and the more life I live the heavier some of it can be, so that really shouldn't be a surprise, if I think about it. But it's good to check in and be a bit mindful of what is going on inside oneself, so that when things start to feel that way, we can keep track of the why and its progress.
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Please Note: the following could be triggering for some people, as it describes some of my mental health journey, and therefore I have to warn you because while there is a reason for me to believe I'll find some light at the end of the post as I usually do, I'm caught between trying to protect those who might be sensitive, and illuminate for those who just don't get it. My descriptions are merely of mood, feelings, and some of my medical relation to them, so they aren't graphic, but for some, they could still trigger something, so just please keep that in mind if you continue.
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There was a period of about 2 years when I had to go off my meds with both physician direction and regular observation due to a complication which required some chemical rest for my brain to recover, and for the first time since I was a teen I got to learn what my brain is like off of either antidepressant or mood regulation medication. It was like meeting myself for the first time, and it was quite a change from what I knew - I got to understand what "happiness" felt like and what it meant in terms of how I'd heard it explained! So it was even more challenging when my moods started shifting again and it came time to resume medical treatment, as it felt like having to say goodbye to a friend I'd come to accept and love for years.
I do understand why it must be this way, and I humbly submit,
though with a sense of grief for that loss.
Thus I don't feel the relatively mild but still potentially dangerous "ups" of the hypomania of Bipolar II because mood stabilizers are meant to mostly help keep one from them, so I do live in gray and still have what I call the "crashes", because in addition to BP-II I also have Seasonal Affective Disorder (SAD) which cycles not only yearly but can be daily through the light and dark cycle of daylight. Where most people get "the blues" from time to time, rather than simply blue, mine could be described as midnight. Those who experience lows from disappointments or grief could describe them as "cold darkness"; but mine is freezing, jet black. I don't get much fog in questioning the futility of life as I've seen and heard described; I deal with the choking mists of utter despair and impulses of my own doom. That might seem like a rather melodramatic way to describe it, but for me, it's hard to find words to describe such times, and there is a good chance that there are others you know who could describe their experiences similarly, if in fact you couldn't describe yours that way, yourself.
So the fact is, all the posts and chat and so on about mindfulness and connecting with your inner self have had a solid reason. For me, that has not just been something I found and liked and so I explored, and decided to share. For me, it has been literally a matter of life and death, as without them I would have just let myself sink down and possibly lose my life to the struggle. And now that I've become physically ill, that practice of mindfulness has meant all the more, as I've had to keep tabs on how I'm doing - including how foods, medications and supplements, activities, and experiences have affected the way I've felt, all throughout the days, nights, weeks, and so on. I've not been great at doing that actively the past while, but I still try to keep my choices in line with what I know to be the best course of action for my current circumstances as they come, especially since with things being so sensitive lately in so many ways, the last thing I need is to trigger a major flare of any of my issues, because they usually set off a chain reaction and I don't need that!
Having said all of that...
This past year, I've been dealing with a lot of experiences I've not had to manage before. Having been re-diagnosed with both the hypermobile form of Ehlers-Danlos Syndrome (hEDS) after the new criteria were released in March, and with other, related diagnoses with their own, related grief and struggles have been monumentally challenging, though I've known I had the signs of what was previously a slightly different and more limited diagnosis of EDS and was already trying to manage through quite enough health issues, thank you very much! Then other, non-medical circumstances drastically changed for me, and those threw all kinds of extra ways to exhaust me into the puzzle. It has seemed like just when I was getting to the top of the water of my life, Life decided to dump more inches into the pool and let me feel like I'm starting all over again! I've been living in a state of shock, denial, and survival for so long, I've become grateful because I fear if I get to a point at which it all stands still and I have to experience and process all of this in full, I'm going to be a totally dysfunctional mess!
I'd like to be one of those people who can say that they have overcome their many struggles and that they've turned them into award-winning careers. I have no reason to believe that that is going to happen, but that's okay. While I'm annoyed that things are the way they are, I've come to accept some of the Zen philosophy I've learned along the way, as my mindful practices have led to greater understanding of myself, my purpose, and that of Life itself. I'm no guru, and I often feel like my life is spinning completely out of my own control in so many ways, but so far my heart has continued beating, so it hasn't been broken to that point; I've not given up on the PB Project, though I've had to simplify, accept some help, and allow myself to let some things go; and I still reach out and help where I can, when I can, and try to judiciously decide when I am willing to spend energy in one direction when I know it will mean I won't have it for another. I'm learning the most fragile set of balances I've ever had to learn, and as with anything in life, we can only do what we can do, so I need to remember to be loving, gentle, and careful with myself.
And guess what?
That's why I encourage you to do the same thing with yourself, too.
I've had to learn a few, new mantras through this latest turn in the convoluted saga that my life has become:
- One crisis at a time; thank you!
- Just do your best, and then hope for the rest.
- I don't even own any monkeys.
I can't remember if there are others, but those three, added to what I've previously explained, is really quite a bit to learn in one year. Of course, I've learned a lot of poignantly, bittersweet, yet beautiful lessons about life, love, and loss, too. And why people make up memes about things such as moving forward when you feel you've nothing left. I've learned a lot, this past year.
In fact, I've learned so much this past year, the post rate here in the blog dropped dramatically because I was so busy learning it I was too spent to share it. I can only hope that I'll be better able to continue this coming year, but it will have to be with whatever grace Life will offer and that I'll be able to accept. After all, sometimes the graces Life offers come in packaging that can seem really awful!
But I was explaining to a friend this past weekend that in some ways, I feel like I must find a way to keep moving forward with things like this, the PB Project, even if I have to focus more on the PB Community Facebook Page, because it gives me a sense of feeling real, even though it exists in a virtual environment. As long as I am able to reach out, I prove I exist. After all, my general feeling about bodies is that they don't have to have a certain set of requirements to be acceptable: I feel bodies are simply our way of letting each other know we exist - which has me pondering how the virtual world has extended our own beings into the ether we share, in new ways; but that is a topic for another day. So as long as I can let someone know I exist, and that the fact they exist has meaning for me, then my heartbeats have meaning.
I thought there was another aspect of that that had equal importance, which was that someone actually receive that message and recognize my existence has meaning - and I still believe that, in some ways. However, then I saw this post on Facebook from Scott Stabile which says, "Maybe it’s not my job to focus on where my love and creativity land but on where they originate." I'll have to ponder that even further.
But that's okay.
I still have another, few months to figure that one out,
along with at least a dozen, other things Life will probably throw at me.
But that's okay.
As long as I'm learning, I'm growing,
and as long as I'm growing, I'm living.
Better days ahead, my friends!
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