In the past I have shared things that have touched me, that others have done, and given a little peek into why. This week I'm taking a similar approach, and I'm grateful to have been given permission to do so.
This past week as I was doing my newsfeed search for the PB Community Facebook Page, I saw this post by John Edgerton:
"I have victimized myself by confusing the difference between bending over backwards to accommodate the world, and creating responses that are truly inspired by the principles of love.
"To put it more simply, my perspective on the meaning of love has changed as I have grown. I suppose it would be safe to say the way I've expressed love in the past was a reflection of my level of wisdom and lack of self-awareness at the time.
"For ages, the way I'd been neglected by those who were supposed to invest in my value as a youth led to some very unhealthy behavior; for instance, my tendency to comprise all of my wants and needs in order to keep people close. Sadly, this led me to a pattern of investing in toxic relationships. I did not understand at the time, but this defective behavior no longer fits in my description of what it means to practice love...That was a combination of charity, my discontent, and my confusion over how the quality of the connection could feel so hollow after dumping so much sacrifice into keeping others happy.
"Charity is a beautiful act that I would seldom discourage, and I even believe it to be an element of a loving soul... just not exclusively.Love, on the other hand, is all together deeper. Sometimes it means saying no, or taking the time to consider if what's being exchanged is actually a healthy decision for all parties involved."
This is one of the things that hurts my heart to witness, these days.
As John describes, I too "victimized" myself in the confusion, until the point I was broken, more than once - there have been periods when I have been so spent and exhausted from loving and serving others as I was brought up to believe was appropriate and expected, I could no longer function ("broken") and my mental, emotional, and even physical health suffered as a result of the burnout which took months, if not years to recover to the point I could feel I was alive again. I'm a particularly empathic, purely loving person by nature, and a power-giver by upbringing.
While I do believe my upbringing in certain local, religious, and family, cultural environments played a large role in this mindset and behavior, I'm not blaming any person/people, nor entity/entities in particular. In fact, I'm not laying blame at all. I'm simply saying that primary self-love and self-care are NOT selfishness, and are more than luxury: they are VITAL to our health and wellbeing!
I only wish I could have figured this out before I "got sick" and was no longer able to do all the things I loved doing for other people! It would have made a lot of my grief easier, because the heartbreak of a failing body is bad enough without the shame and fear of feeling like a failure to everyone I've served over the years; those who would expect me to serve if I wasn't sick; and everyone I wish I could help now; sick or not! It has taken me a LOT of work and tears to get to a point I'm more healthy; and now I see so many of my loved ones trapped in this thought pattern that only leads to being drained and unable to do much of anything happily and with actual love!
No longer as much a victim of this mentality, unfortunately partly due to the force of the things I've mentioned, I have learned to love and respect myself better. We as a culture need to figure out the healthy difference and stop expecting unhealthy things as a definition of being "good" people. If there is any unhappiness about having to help another, that help is being given for the wrong reason, for the wrong purpose, or at least in the wrong mindset.
As John explains, and I agree, being willing to love and give beyond yourself is not a bad thing. In fact, humans are communal creatures, and families and communities are founded upon and thrive based on the willingness of each member to contribute in some way, as they are able. None of us can provide everything we need on our own, so we must work together and offer what we can to the good of others as much as ourselves. The difference is that this kind of giving and sacrifice, while based on love of neighbors, friends, and family, is "charity," and only a part of what love truly is, means, and does. Sometimes we forget that we, too, are part of the family or community and have needs just as they do, and are just as deserving of our own love and dedication as anyone else is.
I'm going to presume that having read that, a piece of you has squirmed, a bit. Perhaps only a tiny piece, but it's probably there. If true, that says quite a bit about the point, hmm? "I am worthy of love and respect, including from myself." If we can't so much as say that out loud, then maybe we need to work toward that kind of love and respect. We're worth that, my friends.
And it took me a long time to work that out, and I can't say I'm entirely there because quite frankly, sometimes I want to be able to do those things I used to do so much that the frustration brings me to tears, admittedly not always entirely because of my love for whatever/whomever the recipient would be, but at least partly because I feel like if I can't do it, what worth have I? I know that my worth is independent of what I can do, and in general I have a fairly healthy self-worth and -esteem. But there are still those moments when my body's and mind's growing weakness and fragility just get to me and I struggle. So if you struggle in some way, for some reason, too, you're not exactly alone, here. But knowing it can give us strength and courage to keep at it.
Better days ahead, my friends!
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