Today I had one of those days when things get jostled a bit, so I've had to find ways to put things back in some order that makes some kind of sense to me. It doesn't have to be exactly as it was (how boring would that get?), but for me, it needs to at least make some kind of sense. I began this blog saying the whole point was to help others who may be having similar life experiences, realize they are "not alone" in the experience. I guess it's time for a post along those lines, despite my apprehension about the whole deal.
To start, all about it that really matters is that, on top of all the rest of the goulash that is currently my health portfolio, I've been having some new and unusual pain and other symptoms that I couldn't identify as being part of the regular list. Of course, this in itself is a bit irritating, simply because after a while, new symptoms just about get a PTSD response, and sometimes, I have to try very hard not to panic, depending on the symptom. Give me any pain that could in any way be linked to, for example, a kidney stone, and I think many who might read this could understand exactly what I mean.
Having said that, I should add that because my health file is so thick, murky and convoluted, it becomes very easy to discover that symptoms I've never had before can present as being simply new symptoms of the same-ol' stuff, only known after an expensive test or so (insurance, anyone?). I can't tell you how many times this has happened, if only because I'd be too embarrassed to admit it. Ahem.
Today, however, since I had to be seen for another reason anyway, I brought the list of questions I'd been saving as a delightful, surprise gift for my doctor.
Okay, who am I kidding?! He may have made a career out of medicine, but that doesn't mean he enjoys it all the time. This being evident in the look on his face as we discussed the list. In fact, I have to feel kind of sorry for the poor guy; he's only been in practice here for a few years (this might have been his first clinical job out of school for all I know), and he still has that fresh, green smell of hope and determination that often guides those who choose such fields, despite getting to this point having seen some of the worst this whole, mortal thing can dish out. The poor guy looked crestfallen. Seriously, I always feel sorry for the ones who genuinely feel for their patients. It's a tough job, but add to that having a good heart, too, and it must be agony, some days!
So, having left the doctor's office with new realization that we very likely haven't seen anything yet, we had to stop at a store on the way home. This is nearly always an adventure. To start, even if there is a parking spot close enough to not need to produce my "Ambassador's Parking Pass", as my brother-in-law kindly joked the other day, there is still the need to actually get me through the visit and back out again, preferably without my collapsing nor bursting into tears at some point along the way (I seriously need to work on my "Poker Face", I tell you). Thanks to whomever it was who came up with the brilliant idea to have motorized shopping carts in stores! I lost the pride/embarrassment issue many years ago, when it was just a simple, temporary issue that had me using them, and now am just grateful they exist on the bad days.
One interesting thing I have noticed about using these carts (I spend a lot of time watching people; their behaviors, their reactions, etc.), is how children react to seeing an adult riding along in a cart, very similar to the way they do! Today was actually kind of fun in that respect, because it seemed like every "step" of the way met us with another, little kid, staring with surprise or wonder at me and my clunky cart.
It nearly never fails: they see me coming, and they either stare, confused, or they wait til I've passed by, then spin themselves around, in order to get a better look. It's kind of cute, honestly. A couple of them actually smiled at me, and one even reached out to me, smiling, and I couldn't help but reach out my hand in a wave, saying, "Hey sweetheart!" His mother noticed, and chuckled at us. It made me take more notice of the ways people respond to those with disabilities, and the example they then show their children.
I guess the main point of this crazy story is simply this: when we pay attention, often we can find that on those less-than-ideal days, there can still be things that can bring a smile to our faces and a softening to the impact that life can have on us.
Better day tomorrow, my friends!
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