Okay, Let's Just Be Honest. Brutally Honest.

        Given that yesterday I was celebrating what I felt like a minor victory, and mentioned that I wondered if my body would express its attitude problem in response (which it has!), I would imagine this post would seem like an extension of such.  But really, this is a long time coming, and I suppose the time is now.

Last night, my heart confided in a dear friend,

My feelings about this project.

After I explained, she said,

“Have you told them?  

“You should tell them!

“You should be honest because they should understand the truth!”

At her strong urging

. . .

and after pondering it a while

. . .

I’ve decided to try, at least.

To put it simply, I feel…

…like a hypocrite, a liar, and an idiot.

Not every day.  

I mean, every day has its ups and downs.

I do struggle with Bipolar, and chronic issues, after all.

Even if I didn’t, everyone has better days than others.

On the good days, I feel like this is worth it, if it gives someone hope.

On the middle ground, I’m kind of realistic;

Those days, I feel like at least doing something every day

Helps myself, if no one else.

Just one, small thing that reminds me to try to be positive in some way.

But on the other days…

…the days when I feel like I’m staring the ugly truth in the face…

…and I think, “People must think I’m such a Pollyanna!  

“Surely they roll their eyes and think I’m an idiot,

“as I bare myself to the Universe, quirks and all.”

In fact, there are people who have access to this project,

From whom I’d like to hide all that I am.

But I chose to do this to learn and grow, 

And I think it matters to try to overcome that fear.

After all… 

…most likely those people just ignore me…

…or just don’t see it at all.

        So I’m telling you.  I think it’s only fair that you know, that even though here and on the FB page I try to share things that might inspire, comfort or even just amuse, I’m really not the kind of person who wakes up every day, looks Life square in the eye and says, “Woohoo!  Another day!  Bring it on!”

Some days:
*I struggle just to wake up, wishing that I didn’t have to.  At all.
*I feel like if one more thing goes wrong…and then it does.
*I do stupid things, like waking up dazed and putting on menthol and capsaicin (i.e., "Icy Hot"), then a short time later forgetting that and taking a hot shower.  (Aloe vera, anyone?)
*I hate my body, and my mind, and wish I could escape them both for a while.
*I look in the mirror and get tired of trying to not look closely in the mirror.
*I cry.
*I then cry some more.  Because some days are like that, even if there’s nothing that appears to be wrong.  My mother once gave me some of the best counsel I ever received from her.  “Sweetie, sometimes you just need to cry.  You don’t always need a reason.”  And I miss her.
*I feel alone, and scared, and hopeless.
*I feel like I’ve turned into the one whose mind is too simple, whose memory is too bad, whose body is too pathetic, whose needs are just too much…and why would anyone be willing or able to put up with someone like me?
*I get scared that no one will.
*I feel like a burden on the world.
*I feel like a burden on myself.
*I give up on dreams, because it feels like dreaming only makes me realize how much I’ll likely never have.
*I get frustrated because it seems like all my fighting to move forward turns into fighting not to move backward…or into fighting to not move backward, quite so fast.
*I regret not doing…
*I want to beg people who think I’m just an “old lady” (yes, I mean kids who think even 30 is ancient), to listen to the advice of “old people” like me who have seen what Life can really have to offer sometimes, and they really need to make the most of what they have, while they have it.
*I grieve a lot.  Not just people, things and abilities I’ve lost, but things that never were; things that affected my life in ways I never knew possible.
*I’m scared to post anything at all, because while I know I’m not the only one who fears taking that leap, that doesn’t mean it’s any easier.

        So you see, while I’m not really that negative, all the time, I do have days like that.  I would imagine I’m not the only one.  Some have it better, some have it worse, but I think we all struggle at our own, personal 100%.  If it hurts, there’s a reason, which makes it valid.  May not be a lot of other things, but it is valid.

I think all of this is why I continue to do this project, actually.
*Because I know I’m not the only one who struggles at 100%.
*I know I have the ability to do my best to help others, even if I feel stupid doing it sometimes, and especially when I don’t get much feedback.
*I know that there has sometimes been the one thing…that one thing…that inspires, comforts or motivates me to keep going, despite all of those feelings.  And I would hate to pass up the chance to help even that one person who could benefit from that random post that makes all the difference.
*I’m weird that way. ;-)

        Anyway, I hope my dear friend is satisfied that I’ve done this, now.  And I hope someone out there can benefit from my cathartic, emotional emesis.  I still feel like an idiot, but since I’m not sure that will ever change…

Forward, march!

Better day tomorrow, my friends.