Okay, okay...normally I try to avoid jumping out there to share gratitude at this time of year. Call me a rebel if you wish...maybe I am. But I think this time, I actually have one that I've needed to embrace this year. So okay, let's go...This year, well, let's face it - I've had a rough year. I've had a fairly many rough years, but this one seems to rank on the upper side of the scale. Not that I'm all about complaining; I'm all about being able to accept What Is, including the grief that often accompanies What Is. That definitely includes the occasional break down, tear fest and/or pity party, *if* when the pressure is released, we try to let the things in the past go. After all, the present is often hard enough, not to drag the past along with us like a bag full of rocks!
Anyway, as I've been thinking about gratitude this past, few months, as I've tried to help the folks who have Liked and joined the PB Community Page, I've tried to focus on things that are a bit out of the ordinary. After all, while it's good to appreciate the "traditional" things, I find that this time of year, it's good to also reach our minds out a bit, to embrace more of the goodness that we might otherwise take for granted, or even resent for other reasons. For instance, something that came to mind, as I contemplated the idea that I need to find something of that fits said description, was this:
I need to be more grateful for the What Is in my life.
I'm a rather pragmatic person; I would rather have the truth as it is, than have it hidden in a candy coating - we are careful with Halloween candy with children, because we don't want hidden dangers to attack them without warning - so why on earth would we want the realities of What Is to be hidden within good intentions, only to cut or poison us when we aren't looking? I've said before: I would rather be hurt by the truth, than made a fool, hurt by good intentions.
But I digress...as I often do. In fact, I've had another project I've not completely abandoned, but have had to put "on the back burner" while I deal with the What Is that steals away some of my quirky sense of humor. I hope to return soon!
In my search for the extraordinary, I realized something that surprised me:
I can be grateful for these challenges
that have made this past year (and others before it) so rough!
Well duh, I might say! Except that I've been contemplating this for a while now, and I am only at this point coming to even respect them.
Can I actually be grateful for the things
that have changed my self and my life,
so much so I barely recognize them?
Can I really appreciate those things
that have left me grieving my lost self
and the life I and others thought
was so full of incredible potential?
Is it truly possible that I could take all these things
and make of them, in my mind,
something worthy of my gratitude,
during this time of year we, in the United States,
all are traditionally considering all those things
that make our lives feel "blessed"?
As I ponder this, I think of all the self-esteem, positive-thinking, spirit-enlightening and life-enrichment classes, lectures, seminars and books that I have experienced over the years I've been stumbling around on this planet we call Home, and how silly they have seemed as I have allowed myself to relax my grip on my native traditions and looked around at the What Is that many of us never see, because we focus so much on what we've been taught, we refuse to consider the bigger picture around us.
That isn't to say I necessarily reject those traditions nor beliefs (and I say this particularly to those who may be a little stunned at this little revelation), but I've begun the process of sifting through this messy chaos we call life, in order to more fully embrace who I am and the potential I couldn't have realized was there, otherwise. It has been a crazy, fantastic and illuminating path I've chosen, and I'm grateful I've found myself here, despite the bumps, challenges and occasionally, scraped knees.
I think most of my gratitude comes from the feedback I've received from friends/whanau (a Maori term for extended/adopted family, either through relation, or choice). Every once in a while, I'll have someone express their own gratitude for my presence in their life, and for my being able to help illuminate their path, based on the education of my own experience. Oddly enough, this reminds me of a promise I made to myself and to my life, when I was just a young teen: if my life and experiences could possibly serve to help someone with their own, then all the pain and challenges would be worth it.
Granted, at that point I had significant experience enough to make that promise, but I was still rather naive to what this life could really do! But I have continued to hold to that promise, and do so, still. (Perhaps I'm just a glutton for punishment, as they say. ;) )
How could I possibly resent a life that has resulted in allowing another the chance to see their own in a way that illuminates hope? How could I, when loved ones of those are grateful that their friend or family member has been able to lighten their load to the point they could continue onward? How could I give up on my own life, when if nothing else, there is the potential of hope for others, simply by my not giving in to the darkness and hopelessness I often feel for myself?
I am bipolar, after all, and add living with chronic pain and illness, which is factually, quite taxing on the psyche (i.e., hurt long enough and you'll wear yourself down, because it makes everything harder so you spend more energy just trying to survive), and it becomes a challenge not only to survive, but to believe that surviving is a good thing!
Yes, I admit, I have those moments. I also admit I have some very important friends and family who have helped me get through those moments.... In fact, I say, those who have, also have due to them the honor of any success I might have in my pursuit of making my life worth living. Any success I have in helping anyone else, I owe in great part to those who have helped me stick around to do that. I wish I could actually thank each and every one of those, who have done that across my life span. For those who appreciate my existence, gratitude must also be due to those who loved me enough to help me exist.
So in all my pain, in all my frustration, discouragement and even despairing moments, I need to remember to be thankful for those who love me enough to let me know they do, and be grateful that my experience has given me the empathy and understanding needed to give that loving gift to others.
This is what I add to the Gratitude Bandwagon, this year. This is my offering of creative gratitude, to the search for greater meaning and purpose in life.
Better day, my friends.
No comments:
Post a Comment