It's Just a Matter of Life and Death...Chill Out.

I'm not one to deny reality; it's part of the foundation of this Project.

                                   ...So here's some, for you.  It isn't pretty, but it is real.

I'll admit it.  

There are times when my positivity gets overruled.  

Sometimes my body's hating itself makes me kind of hate it, too. 

Usually it's some time in the early morning

          when I'm finally ready to sleep, 

                     and it decides it's time to hold a standoff

...against itself.  

I'm not particularly interested in being "normal", 

         but while "healthy" doesn't seem to be an option 

                            for the rest of whatever my life will be...

...I'd take "functional".

Ever have a moment when you feel like all you want

is to crawl out of your skin in the darkness,

and be free of whatever it is, holding you down or trapped?

I do my best to ignore it, whenever possible.

                               But at 5 am, after a series of 5 ams 

that have become apparently habit,

                          it's a bit frustrating to be ready to doze off, 

             and just as I start to relax...

...a muscle somewhere decides to painfully spasm,
voluntary or involuntary
(certainly involuntary in my part!)

launching me up to remedy the cramp;

my lungs decide oxygen isn't all that important

as I jolt upright, coughing in an asthmatic fit;

...or whatever my body decides is the fuss du jour.

It's always something.

             Always nothing.

Occasionally a sigh, or tears, 

for some kind of nothing.

Just reality.

Just life.

In the Grand Scheme of Things, 

it doesn't really matter that this one, tiny little insect 

is experiencing it's own insignificance.

...but it doesn't change the experience to know all the cliches, like:

» Count your "blessings"

» Don't focus on what you can't control;  

focus on where you have power to make change

» Your happiness, or misery, is a choice

» Look around; there is always someone worse off than you 

»Be more grateful that you're not worse off

...You get the idea.

Anyway, I've just wanted to show you 

I'm not always sunshine, rainbows and daffodils.  

At least you can know that I understand "real life".  

There you go...you're not alone.

Here's to steps on the path we don't think we can manage, or at least manage alone.  

Here's to having each other, to help us along the way.

        Better days ahead, my friends.