Woulda, Coulda, Shoulda...Whynota?

        This week happens to be Week 22 of my personal challenge, and I'd have to say this is rather interesting, to see myself working through this process.  You might not think it's that interesting... but that's okay.  This is a personal challenge for a reason, and I'm okay with that, no matter the response from outside it.

        This happens to be the idea for this week: 

Living to the Fullest

"Don't live down to expectations.

Go out there and do something remarkable."

~ Wendy Wasserstein

What will your "something remarkable" be?

        In this section of her book, Motivational Mondays, Christine Morgan discusses how both the expectations of others, and those of ourselves, can rob us of our potential, if we let them.  By allowing opinions shape what we decide to try, we could be falling short of what is possible.

        Unfortunately, this is yet another topic that stings, just a bit.  Growing up, I was rather...shall we say, impressionable...and I pretty much believed whatever I was told, especially with regard to what I was or was not expected - or even permitted - to be or do.  I never was one who considered that it was possible to do anything that wasn't in the parameters designed for, or expected of me.  Those who expressed opinions of who I was or what I could do, pretty much ruled my existence, because I didn't realize I could do, nor be, anything else.

        Now, before you say, "Aww...", or, "How sad!", consider how many times YOU listened to what someone told you, and changed the course you wanted to take.  I know there must be at least once (I realize for some, it might just be opposite of mine; someone said you couldn't, so you set out to prove them wrong, whether you wanted it, yourself, or not).

        I remember one year, when I was in my early teens, one of my teachers announced that there was a student exchange program, where students of my age group could sign up for an opportunity to travel to a foreign country to study for a time (I can't recall if it was a semester or a year).  One of the options was Spain, and when I realized that, my young heart kindled into hope that it could be possible for me! 

        I think the price was something like $1700 (*cough* years ago, that meant more than it does now).  It was a lot, especially for a single dad with a terminal illness and rather low income, but I had been taught in school and elsewhere that (now) old saying:

"If you believe, you can achieve."

        I therefore began to brainstorm ways I could find a way to make this dream a reality.

        When I brought this idea to a gathering of one side of my extended family, it was not met with support.  In fact, I can recall one adult scoffing at me, and they all started asking questions of doubt that I couldn't answer... and at that moment, in my fear and disorientation, it began to be clear to me that it was impossible for me to live this dream.  So, I dropped it, but my heartache in disappointment was tangible, and though the fierce pain of it has long, since lifted, it still remains as a testament to the consequences of all the choices that were made that day, both in my heart and in theirs.

        If I'm truly honest with myself, I must admit that my not going to Spain is not their fault.  After all, other kids have made incredible goals that they achieved despite the scoffs and decisions of others!  In fact, a short time later there were German exchange students in our school, who clearly decided to live their dream!  There is always that question, put to me in various ways, contexts and situations since, "If you'd really wanted it, you'd not have stopped at anything to make that dream a reality, right?"

        Would I have?

        As I ponder upon this further, I have realized that this is an interesting thread in the pattern of my life.  The PB Project might just be the first, actual thing I've done that was both standing on my own, two feet, and trying to meet my desire to help others realize their potential.  I've always been so afraid of the critics, and yet in this...in this, I am finding my strength within.

        On the PB Facebook page, I shared a post by Bryant McGill, who said, "People who have had little self-reflection live life in a huge reality blind-spot."  Oddly, I was just reading about the nature of "rear-view mirrors" and why it always says, "objects in mirror are closer than they appear".  Basically, the convexity of the surface of the mirror allows you to see a greater surface of the road, allowing for the driver to see what would be in his or her "blind spot", thus helping to avoid accidents.  Driving next to a vehicle without such a view assist might be rather foolish if remaining in that hidden field of view, because the driver would have no way to know you were there if he or she decided to turn or change lanes.

        If that context were placed within Mr McGill's point...living in that "huge reality blind-spot" could be incredibly dangerous!  What if something comes along and gets in the way, without your seeing it?  If something is in your way, and you can't see it but it keeps stopping you from changing your course, what do you do?

        In case it isn't obvious...I tend to be one to engage in the occasional moment of self-reflection.  Ahem.  As I said in my introduction comment to said post:

"Oh...how I hate to admit that I've been there. I can't exactly say I'm all awake, 'bright-eyed and bushy-tailed, ready to face the day with a smile'...but I've stepped out of that surreal realm and am working on this whole, reality thing. So far...I'm not sure how much I like it...but I think it might just grow on me, in time!" 

        So once again, I swing back around to the original point: What will your "something remarkable" be?  Am I achieving anything particularly remarkable?  On a grand scale... not really, I think.  But there are days when my getting out of bed is rather remarkable!  Getting dressed; combing my hair; eating properly...some days can create the remarkable out of the otherwise mundane.  And I'm one of those people who gets that.  I don't require a grand audience of thousands, watching my every move and making money on their evaluations of them.  In fact, I prefer to be a bit private with my everyday, despite what it might seem, here.  My life is simple, and quiet, for the most part.  It promotes the revelation of what lives inside my internal, "reality blind spot".

        I think my answer will have to be...for now...

My "something remarkable" will be:

allowing life to be,

without forcing myself to feel

like I need to make it be

anything else, right now.

Because sometimes,

being present in the Now

is more remarkable than anything else

Life can produce for us, elsewhere.

        Better days ahead, my friends.