Dear Life,Thank you for being a part of my existence. I want to let you know some of what I think of you, and the things I know of you, based on my experience, so far, in your care.
You have taught me a great deal, despite the difficulty I have had in learning the lessons you would have me understand. You are quirky, and confusing, and sometimes full of painful irony; you give and you take, and don't always help me know what to do until I have to search for answers, then leave me learning the hard way. You send things and people into my life that I love and value, and just as easily send them right out again, leaving me grieving, and sometimes even feeling broken.
However, you are also wonderful, in some ways. You are full of moments of light, peace, and hope. You give me what could be called magic, of various kinds, even what some call miracles. I am fascinated by the ways you interact with those to whom you offer your services, and the way those interactions affect us all. Some of the most amazing things happen in your care! Beauty, love, healing, growth, and joy can be witnessed, especially when we, your clients, are dedicated to being mindful of them.
The challenges that have come as part of my experience package have been deeply challenging, and sometimes I cannot fathom why you would be so liberal with them! There are times I feel you have a sadistic sense of humor, or simply think that I am worth the torture. Some moments, I feel that perhaps I am simply not cut out for this, and have even considered leaving the contract early, accepting the severance fees and effects, despite how I hate that those who love me are stuck with the bill.
I don't understand, Life. Why would you think I would be up for this kind of thing? Why did you create this custom package, as though you didn't have a less-demanding set of choices? I realize this wasn't a holiday travel plan, and there would be difficulties and such, but I had no idea just how extremely difficult your educational program would be! Perhaps I didn't read the fine print well enough? Is there no way to negotiate for kinder terms?
Forgive me if I seem a bit whiny and ungrateful. I don't mean to be. Often these days I am exhausted, weary and in pain, which wear at one's nerves and make one a bit raw, sensitive and even ornery. I never thought I would be part of the challenges included in someone else's package! I try to be more a part of the lighter and brighter parts, or at least the comforting or soothing ones, but there come times when I feel like I just can't, and it feels unfair that you not only challenge me to this point, but that you test and try them, through my own experience!
You know good and well that there are those who would walk away from me, rather than have to deal with my being so overwhelmed with the mess you hand me! Sometimes that hurts more than the chaos and misery, itself. And you know it! I can only hope that I don't cause the kind of pain that it creates for me. I am deeply sorry for those who have suffered at my inability to carry my own weight, but often I have no clue as to how on earth I would remedy the situations.
I do want you to understand that I don't hate you, entirely. You are often enigmatic, troubling, and complex, but you are not entirely negative. I have experienced love, peace, laughter, hope, passion, and even touched by brief moments of joy while this contract has played out. There are many ways I have learned to even share, teach and inspire through the things I have learned and gained during the education you have provided. I am definitely a much stronger, more powerful and wise person than I began in your program, despite my failings and disappointments. There is much for which I can thank you, and I do appreciate them. There is much good I can do, and I am willing to continue to try to do them, even if I fail, because if I can even help one person not suffer something I have, then it was worth it...just as I told you, so many years ago.
So thank you, despite my complaints, because I'm sure there is a lot in store that I won't like, but perhaps the good I experience, or the good I can do through my experience, can make the balance worth having, in some way. You are what I have, right now, and I accept that. I will try to be more mindful of the things I like, and less fussy about the other things.
Sincerely,
~ PB
P.S. ~ Better days ahead, my friends!
No comments:
Post a Comment