What I Want to Be, Every Day, for the Rest of My Life

        Sometimes it's nice to have no sense of clearly-defined structure for this blog.  Because honestly, who wants to be tied down to superficial rules based on false pretenses about goals and processes, anyway?  I mean, that sentence alone is almost painfully heavy!  By the end of this month, I'll have finished the personal challenge I made for myself, having only missed one week, that I can remember, and that one was with special circumstances. Otherwise, I've been true to my goal and... wow!  How on earth did I do that? lol!

        Okay...I started this post before I realized what this week's section of Christine's book actually is.  I looked at the section, re-read what I just said to start, and smirked.  And why not? Hah!
     
        Christine's quote for this week:

"In the absence of clearly defined goals,

we become strangely loyal to

performing daily trivia until

ultimately we become enslaved by it."

~ Robert Heinlein

        And her question, after some pretty powerful observation:

How will you untangle yourself from

daily trivia and remember your dreams?

        One of the things she references is how we seem to hide behind the idea that we are just so busy, we don't have time to do the things we had set out wanting to do.  Oddly, given the time of year, when the new year's resolutions start to supposedly go into effect, I have to pause and think about how often jokes are made about these so-called "resolutions", and how silly they seem in a lot of respects.  Not that the goals are unworthy...but the act of declaring them as not just goals, but resolutions seems to be faded by the actual lack of resolve to follow through.  

        Despite my deeply empathic and emotional nature, I happen to have a fairly pragmatic and analytical mind, at least in some ways.  I like to observe the human creature, and am fascinated by the way the mind and emotions work.  (Obviously no one could have guessed it, so I'm making it clear, because I'm helpful like that.  Ahem.)  On more than one occasion, this topic of "daily trivia" has been discussed in our household, in various contexts.  It often seems that the more a person tries to maintain the status quo in their life, the more difficult it becomes.  

        Why is that?  A common question to ask a child is, "What do you want to be when you grow up?"  It seems that adults are fascinated by that question, and its answers!  Then, when we are to the age when adulthood is looming, and we are preparing for our future, often the answers change.  It is a rather daunting question, at that age!  What do I want to be?...How do I make it happen?...And, how do I not mess it up?!  Any self-respecting, mature semi-adult is going to ask these, and if he or she does, that begins a journey that will last for the rest of his or her life!  (Says one who has been an adult for...a while, but not *that* long! Um...yeah.)

        The more I've asked this question of adults who have been hanging out in this adulthood thing for at least a few years, the more I realize that isn't always true: the journey of asking the questions may not last the rest of one's life.  Often, by the time the schooling has been finished; the careers have been launched; the families have been created - or the oft-times, lack of any of them - has been established; we adults get into a phase that has been not-quite affectionately named, "the daily grind".  In this state, the pattern of daily life has been so well developed, many of the acts performed within it are almost automatic and require very little thought, unless interrupted in some way, such as an accident on the freeway or a spill on the uniform, which often causes responses ranging from annoyance and impatience, to aggravation and anger.  Nothing like a bit of road rage to set the day off in a positive direction!

        The biggest problem that I've found when discussing this with others who are thus enslaved, is that those who are tied up in the daily trivia have this underlying feeling of being trapped, lost, failed, and/or having given up on their dreams for their lives.  They feel that perhaps they did something wrong, that while they made choices that led them toward what they thought they most desired, their sense of emptiness in the result is disorienting.  This can lead to all sorts of trouble, as they search for ways to brighten up their routines while not upsetting the ones they have well-established and they think their lives require they continue, unwavering.

        So what is the solution to having enslaved ourselves in the everyday, if we feel we want to break free of it?  How do we face Christine's question:

How will you untangle yourself from

daily trivia and remember your dreams?

        In fact, how do we go about finding our dreams, if we feel like we don't even remember how to dream?  Okay...that is a question I'm going to have to face, for myself.  Sometimes I feel like I've been forced in various ways to give up on the things I dreamed to accomplish...just like so many others do.  I've been opened to a different sort of situation than many, in that I am unable to do many of the kinds of occupations that are typical of one of my age group.  My genetic, autoimmune and mental health quirks have all combined into a neat, little package of messiness, enabling me to have empathy for others who have to face situations in which their bodies or minds have failed to support them in their dreams and goals.  Other situations in my life have made my abilities to do things otherwise limited, and I am left to be rather creative in my efforts to even exist, some days.  That might sound melodramatic, but it is what it is.  Poor It.

        So, first off:

• Remember, or figure out your dreams.  You know you aren't feeling like where you are is where you want to stay, even if it's just figuratively.  So...where would you be, if you could be anywhere?
• When you were a child, how did you answer the question, "What do you want to be when you grow up?"  
• When I was in junior high (around age 12-15, I guess), I read some of Stephen Hawking's books about quantum- and astrophysics, and I dreamed of being a physicist and working with Dr. Hawking.  Clearly that one is not likely to happen!  In high school, I discovered that my aptitudes for math and physics took a little longer to develop than those of my peers, and while in college I found my stride, and I still longed to chase that dream...my hopes were squished by the former humiliation, and I ceased the chase.
• When I was even younger, I learned that I did have an aptitude for music, and then, again, in junior high school, I learned the power of the spotlight in the orchestra, and while that may sound like I was full of myself...it was actually something very different.  I fell in love with the light.  When one is on stage, with a warm, bright spotlight, a transformation occurs in the world.  Surrounded by the energy of silent, living presence (from the audience), the light dissolves the visual, and suddenly there is nothing but you and the light.  When I sang, it was more like I was communing with it, offering up the innermost parts of my heart, into its gentle warmth.  When the light then disappeared, the house lights came up, and the formerly-silent audience erupted into applause, it was almost jarring, and I really shied from the attention in the aftermath.  For various reasons, I was unable to continue performance arts, though I've missed them in various ways.
• What do you like to do in your spare time?  Or, what have you thought about possibly enjoying, if you had the time or other, needed things?
• Do you journal?  Doodle?  Find yourself doing things with your hands to create?
• Do you find it easy to do something, that you enjoy?
• Do you find that teaching someone something is satisfying?
• Do you like the idea of doing something different, that you've never tried?
• Is there something you've always wished you could learn, but never did?

        Then:

• Brainstorm.  What can you think up, to make something even remotely seem possible?
• Come up with ideas.  
• Make them into a visual presentation, even just a list on a sheet of paper that gets a bit messy.  If you like, get a notebook and name it "Ideas", and get to work filling the pages with whatever makes your ideas flow!
• Don't limit yourself to the practical, either.  Okay, so chartering a helicopter and crashing the lab where Dr. Hawking works, especially without any physics education nor experience probably wouldn't be practical, but it *is* an idea, so down it goes, onto the list!
• Ask around.  You never know who might have ideas you didn't know you wanted to have!
• Start linking ideas, creatively.  
• What do you find is a possible pattern, within your ideas?
• Do you know anyone who might have more information on where to start?
• Does anything start to stand out to you, that gets you excited about possibilities?
• What can you do to begin working toward the ideas that stand out and mean the most to you?

If this hasn't already gotten you excited about possibilities, 

for some reason, give yourself some slack.  

You aren't required to do this; 

it's supposed to make your mind realize that you don't have to be 

trapped within the confines of your own creation.  

You have the power to make of your life what you want of it, 

so sometimes the most freeing activity is to simply dream.

        What's next?

• Get to work.  Self-explanatory, right?
• Research.
• Where can you go to get more information?  
• Does anyone you know have any experience in the area you want to seek?  
• Would your local library have some listings of people, groups or organizations in the area that focus on your interests?
• Internet search engines are your friend, my friends.
• Be brave.
• You gotta start somewhere...so start somewhere.  Ask. Search. Learn. Go.
• Choose something.
• Get busy.
• Have fun!  Yeah, that's the most important part!

        Do I seem like a professor or corporate presenter, drawing it out in bullet points, like that?  Let's just say I did a lot of note taking in school.  And it helps me make sense of things, so hopefully it does the same for you.

        Here, have a semi-related, visual aid:

        So I guess my answer is: I'll keep working on it.  I began the PB Project by following the admonition to scare myself out of my comfort zone once a week, to live a fuller, more satisfying, lived-on-purpose sort of life.  Perhaps I need to resolve to scare myself a bit more.  I'll pass on the sky diving, but I'll figure out something. ;)

        Better days ahead, my friends!