Have you ever known someone with whom things just seemed to "click", as we say here in the States? Meaning, you meet a new person whom you've never known before, and as you get to know them, it's as though you've known each other all your lives, or longer, and/or as though you are almost like the same person, or a reflection of each other? Some call these situations "kindred spirits", or in a more romantic sense, "soul mates". Just wondering.
These are the types of relationships that came to mind when I found this quote, which could actually apply to many types of situations, but perhaps I'll tie them together a bit more in a moment. I might not, but let's hope for the best, shall we?
We need people in our lives with whom we can be as open as possible.
To have real conversations with people may seem like such a simple, obvious suggestion,
but it involves courage and risk.
~ Thomas Moore
I happened to have had a few situations like I described, wherein the more I got to know these individuals, the more open and honest I felt I could be, because it felt like I could trust them to understand me and not treat my commonalities with them as anything but an equal measure of who we were. It was as though the more we realized we had in common, the more we tried to reveal about ourselves to see just how many things we shared. Our friendships seemed to become very close, very quickly, because we felt like we understood each other in ways that few others could. It was suddenly a very elite group of at least two, sometimes more. It felt wonderful!
On the other hand, I've had relationships with people who were not terribly similar to me, but to whom I felt attracted in some way or other, whether platonic or otherwise. Perhaps we found each other interesting, simply because we were so dissimilar, and we began to explore the differences to see just how many ways we varied, or if there were any ways we were actually alike. So in a similar way, we felt like we were able to be good friends, simply because we could see and understand each other, or at least understand that there were going to be things about which we disagreed, but that we could trust each other to not use those differences against us in some way.
So, let's fast forward a bit, to a time wherein we feel we know someone in particular very well, because we have known them for a very long time and we can almost predict what they will say or do in any situation. We don't even feel like we need to talk to them to find out what they would like to do or have, at times, because we've known their choices for so long that we already feel we know what they would choose, even without asking.
What then happens if this person decides to explore their inner world, and realizes that their preferences, beliefs, attitudes or other attributes you thought you knew so well, have changed? Perhaps they want honey on their peanut butter sandwich, instead of jam? Perhaps they want to change their hair or wardrobe? Perhaps they have decided their sense of faith has changed, and they now wish to affiliate themselves with a new expression of belief? There could be any number of changes one might make in one's life, and so the person you thought you knew so well, suddenly is someone you're not sure you know at all! What then? And... what if you are the one who has changed?
Sometimes I think it's actually more important to have the deepest, most open and real conversations with those we know the best, contrary to how we often think and/or act. In order to do that, we usually have to be able to trust that anything we might say would be met with an open mind on their part, and we must be able to allow them to have confidence that we will do the same, for them. If in the past there has been a history of damaged trust, whether that injury was caused by the individual in this present example or someone else, in the past, we must work to heal that damage, and reconnect in a new and more caring way; this requires an immense amount of courage!
Our innermost selves are only found at our most vulnerable, and in this deep and sensitive space, any slight or injury to that sense of self we hold can be all the more painful. To have the courage to allow that space to be opened again and risk further hurt takes a huge, huge leap of faith!
How do we then create the kind of connections with others that allow us to feel fully safe to be open and vulnerable, and our true selves? In my experience, there has been only one way I've found, and it is not always an easy way: we have to be there, first. We have to be a safe haven for the other person, and be trustworthy, strong enough to handle what they share, and a skilled, understanding, and willing listener...but we also need to be willing to trust that they can be the same, for us. I've found only in being open and vulnerable can we inspire others to be the same.
Does that mean they will be? Well, that is why it is such a risk. I'm not going to lie to you: I've found myself on both sides of that coin, so to speak; I've had some of the most amazing experiences and relationships of my life, this way, but I've also had some of my deepest and most crushing heartaches, depending on the person and situation. There have even been times when the two turned out to be the same thing.
Who ever said that human relationships are simple?
I think I've mentioned before that I've had some pretty poignant occurrences in my life, and have sometimes wondered if I would do the same things that put me in those situations, again. Of course, the joy, laughter, connection and wonder I've experienced, I treasure! The deeply devastating heartbreaks, losses, illnesses and struggles? Well, as I said before, I feel as though those highs and lows of life, those things that have taken my life to extremes, those have made my life real and vivid. Lessons I've learned from choices I've made have led to greater things, both in positive and negative ways, which in turn have created even more, powerful opportunities! I want to look back on my life, at the end of it, and be able to say that the things I've had happen in my life have led me to being more of a human being, for their being present!
In this sense, I think (at least at the moment) that the relationships I've had, and the chances to connect with others that I've taken, have led me to be a richer, deeper, more vivid person, filled with more empathy and understanding, which in turn has allowed me to connect with others who are more of that type. Those who wish to only connect on shallow, surface levels are welcome to do so, and I embrace their connections as much as any others. However, those who are open to deeper friendships, I am often willing to try to make of those connections the wonderful opportunities they can be, one way or another. In that way, though risking by relation to the level of connection, I'm giving my life another opportunity to experience whatever it has to offer!
One more thing: my having admitted all of this to you has thereby opened me up to risk. I recognize that, and hope that it will not be used to take advantage of me. However, this is one of those times when I think the benefits likely outweigh the risk, and I therefore take it. Do with it as you will, but I do request that you please be kind.
Better days ahead, my friends!
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