Permission to Communicate

When was the last time you told someone, "No," when something was asked, requested, or even demanded of you?  When was the last time you said, "Yes," even though you secretly wished that you could say, "No"?  

In other words, have you ever not said or done something, 

because you were afraid of the consequences, such as rejection or disapproval? 

You wouldn't be the first.  But perhaps we can find a way to fix that.

When you give yourself permission 

to communicate what matters to you in every situation 

you will have peace despite rejection or disapproval. 

Putting a voice to your soul helps you 

to let go of the negative energy of fear and regret.

~ Shannon L. Alder

        This post is one of those which is going to be difficult for me, because it kind of puts myself out there in a way that may not be greatly popular with some people.  At least, in this paragraph I can say that this topic tends to cause some conflict in my life, so I imagine that it is possible that I could catch a bit of flack for the things I've in mind.  However, since I never know what will actually end up falling out of my mind, this paragraph is more an acknowledgment of understanding and for those who might be offended, while also acknowledging that there is a reason I feel I need to share it, anyway.  In a way, this is one of those, "feel the fear and do it anyway," kinds of posts, for me.

        Whenever this topic comes up, it makes me react with anything between a groan, an eye-roll, a smirk and a chuckle.  These days, I can find it amusing sometimes, but over the course of my lifetime, not so much.  My natural personality is kind of like a young child: very honest, and that doesn't always make others happy.  Over time, like many parents hope their children will, I've learned increasing measures of tact, but I still tend to be more honest than people often prefer.  As a general rule, I'm just less - how shall I say it...blunt?

          When I was growing up, I didn't understand how it seems many people like things to be.  There are social rules in any cultural community, and while I wouldn't say the one in which I grew up is dishonest (in fact honesty is right up there in the top-10 list of must-dos), but there is a high value given to respecting the feelings of others, and being sure not to upset them.  We are taught to put others first; we're to serve, give to, and be kind to one another, and that consequences (sometimes punishments) are given to those who break these types of social rules.  Of course these consequences/punishments can range in severity from having someone hurt or angry with us, to general banishment by larger groups of people.  If dishonesty reaches the point of actually breaking the law, then the law determines the type and severity of the punishments given.  Generally speaking, I've seen this type of system applies in some way to most, if not all cultures, though the actual traditions and rules vary.

        Scientifically, it is a huge deal for humans in general to "go against the grain" of their cultural society, when we are genetically wired to need communal groups, to survive.  We are mostly unable to supply all of our needs for ourselves, no matter how self-sufficient we are.  To offend our fellows risks being rejected and even cast out from among them, leaving us alone, unprotected and unable to easily take care of ourselves.  While being eaten by a bear, tiger, lion or other, fierce creature is unlikely in most modernized areas, loneliness alone can kill in certain circumstances, if other humans themselves don't pose a risk.  Therefore, the natural instinct of our species is to follow the flow of our community social structure, emotionally bonding and providing each other with reinforcements of myriad kinds.

        Being a person who has been considered by some to be, "too honest", I must admit that I've experienced an assortment of consequences for my honest responses in certain situations.  Usually, the responses ended up to be sort of passive-aggressive: the person(s) would not say anything at the time, but then later I would get a cold-shoulder response or mean-spirited comment here and there.  There were even instances of bullying, by peers and adults alike, with no criteria which helped me understand what was happening, and why.  I had no idea until I was into adulthood, that people were simply finding vague, indirect means of trying to "teach" me the consequences of being too honest and either offending them or hurting their feelings!

        Just for clarity, let me say that this kind of tactic is not helpful!

        With that history in mind, let me explain two concepts, first: tact, and diplomacy.

• Tact: the ability to do or say things without offending or upsetting other people... a keen sense of what to do or say in order to maintain good relations with others or avoid offense

• Diplomacy: skill in dealing with others without causing bad feelings... skill in handling affairs without arousing hostility

        While it seems as though I would be more apt to be either bitter, or to pull back and just say whatever I think others want to hear, I am most of the time, neither.  I do not believe that tact and diplomacy are doing either of those, at all; there is a skill involved with them both, and while I would never claim to be masterful at either, I have learned the value of them, and how using them can allow for balance to occur between being honest and being offensive to others.

        Using these tools can be incredibly effective, especially when approaching two sides of a subject in which two people disagree.  I've recently come to the understanding that the difference between a discussion, a debate, and an argument is that a discussion is an attempt to discern what is right, a debate is an attempt to say who is right, and an argument is a consequence of allowing emotion to rule over either.  Tact and diplomacy can help keep the balance, so that what might begin as a simple discussion between individuals or groups of people doesn't turn into offense or rejection...or worse.

        Being able to learn how to use them can provide a huge benefit to us, as our hearts need the chance to be at the same time honest, connected and safe.  Unfortunately, the threat of others choosing to take personal offense to something which actually has nothing to do with them, personally, is very real, so by understanding how to mindfully communicate in healthy and constructive ways, we can help bridge the gap between honesty and safety, allowing us to hopefully feel both heard and respected.

        Let's say, for instance, you want or need to say, "No."  You could back down and just go with it as a "Yes," to keep the peace and make it easier on everyone else, or you could find a tactful, diplomatic way to decline.  Ideas such as:

• Not right now.
• Perhaps another time?
• I'm not able to.
• I'd rather not.
• I'm sorry, but no.
• I can't, but we might be able to find someone who can.
• Maybe we can make a rain check?
• I'm having to limit my commitments right now, so I need to say no.
• No, thank you.
• I'm honored, but I can't.
• I've promised someone else I would do something for them.
• I wish I could make it work, but no.
• I'd love to, but I can't.
• Unfortunately, it isn't a good time.
• Thank you for asking, but I must say no.

        These and other options might not be a good fit for the situation, but sometimes we just need some ideas to get things moving.  Either way, I hope I'm making sense.  It *is* possible to speak our minds without being more harsh than necessary.  We are worth the self-respect and self-compassion to make ourselves a priority, too, even though we value and respect others, as well.  

        I hope this helps someone begin the process of setting themselves on a path to stronger, more healthy choices in their lives and relationships.

        Better days ahead, my friends!