Permission to Take Care

        This week I've had to face a decision that I'd hoped I'd never have to make, and I've struggled with making it.  Not a major one, but one that has brought some annoyance, frustration and disappointment to me.  I'm sure it is the best choice, that I will be grateful I made it, and that while it isn't the first time, it probably won't be the last time I'll have to choose it.  Sharing this with you is my attempt at letting you know that I really do understand the realities of life, in my own way, and that I do understand the value of making choices that can be difficult, but are the best direction to follow.

Self-care is never a selfish act—

it is simply good stewardship of the only gift I have, 

the gift I was put on earth to offer to others.

~ Parker Palmer

        The choice I made is not *that* big of a thing, but as many people know, choosing to step back a bit from things that have meant a great deal, in order to set self-care as a higher priority in the To-Do list can feel like a huge thing!  For instance, from my own experience, in the culture I grew up, self-care was not something that was taught as a high priority.  There were very specific lessons given repeatedly, in fact, teaching to put everyone else before yourself, in order to live a life worthy of having lived.  While this is a noble goal, and certainly helps contribute to a sense of connection within the community, it does also help contribute to a great deal of mental, emotional, relationship and even physical health issues for those within it, if taken to extreme.  

          As I grew up in this culture, I very sincerely adopted the mindset, but my mental and physical health, as well as family and other circumstances, made it difficult for me to give myself away as much as I saw so many others do, especially extended family and leaders who were living examples of the way I was being taught to live.  It amazed me at how selfless these people were, and how great the extent to which they were willing to sacrifice their own well-being, in their efforts to live greater, more effective lives!

        My sense of self-worth and -esteem slipped lower, as each year I felt I was becoming more of a failure at life, as I was experiencing a deep sense of grief over my parents' separation and loss of my mother from my regular life, and a mounting depression as what was much later diagnosed as Bipolar Disorder began seeping into my moods and experiences.  I was unable to do all being expected, and in some cases even rather violently demanded of me, and it wasn't long before I, as a young teen, more or less accepted that my fate was to be an entire failure at life, despite my having never given up on continuing to try in whatever ways I could.  I was rather bright, and succeeded in most academic and related efforts, dedicating a great deal of my time to being a student tutor and support, knowing that there were many of my peers who desperately needed the kind of connection which I, too, needed so deeply.

It was only in the more quiet and private areas of my life

that the shame and rejection were most poignantly felt.

        As I have gotten older, the frustration and heartache of having a body not wanting to cooperate as I try to run a home and provide for the needs of my household are sometimes rather difficult to handle.  I struggle with the residual shame from the judgmental stance I was shown, and it makes having my various areas of health faltering a battle I must wage, every day, which certainly doesn't help the already draining energy and grief which accompany these circumstances!  Needing to take time to rest and recover from what would normally seem a minimal effort will occasionally trigger me into a kind of push-through attitude, which nearly always leaves me paying consequences far more than would have been warranted if I had only taken care of my body's needs and rested when needed.

        Adulthood has taught me a great deal about a number of cultures, traditions, social rules and personal attitudes.  I've learned that many groups and communities value various expressions of this idea of personal self-sacrifice, and for good reason: without a sense of connection, mutual respect, empathy and compassion, our relatively-fragile species would have died off, millennia ago!  It is because we humans form loving bonds, with not only our immediate, family units but with others beyond them, that we are able to help protect and provide for each other, that we are able to live fuller, healthier lives!  This has also allowed for the progress of technology, as each member takes a role in the community structure and helps augment the roles of the others within it, helping each to make best use of his or her strongest, natural talents and skills. 

Therefore, this sort of selflessness and cooperation

is certainly not always a bad thing!

        However, it is when we begin to believe that only the other people in our lives matter, that our needs are inconsequential, and our insisting on fulfilling those needs is a measure of selfishness and disdain for the others in the group, that we begin to have a problem.  Being taught that selflessness is such a virtue in this extreme, that we have no worth if we are not giving all we have and all we can to everyone else, and that to do anything at all for ourselves is the height of selfishness and shameful behavior, leads to many becoming "closet sinners", making sure that no one - or at least as few possible - know that we are having to find ways to ease the agony that this kind of mindset creates.  

Perhaps one becomes dependent on substances such as alcohol or other chemicals;
another might find illicit experiences and/or relationships;
yet another might begin to become abusive to those within their private reach, demanding secret silence to protect their weakness of frustration and anger.
It then becomes a pervasive set of problems, as the issues compound with other issues, and other people begin to connect and become either complicit or victims,
knowing or not that they are a part of a greater problem.  

What a dark and gloomy way to create a tangent

from such a selfless and well-intentioned effort,

don't you think?

        I believe this is a very strong reason for which self-care holds a substantial argument in the case for stable, secure, and healthy social structures!  There is such a huge difference between mindful self-compassion and selfishness!  Only through being willing to allow things such as rest and sleep; proper hygiene; good nutrition and hydration; strong family and friendship ties; personal, spiritual development; and even amusement; can we strengthen ourselves and build our personal reserves so that we can be capable of connecting and serving to the best of our potential!  

        Many of you are going to squirm while reading this, and I do understand that.  It is a natural consequence of upbringing and circumstance.  However, it is not only possible for us to find a balance between personal care and that of others, it is vital, for the sake of those around us, as much as our own!  I give you permission to take care of yourself, and allow yourself to get your needs met, as you work toward building a better life for yourself and those you love.  Sometimes it is through simply receiving permission, that we allow ourselves to take the next step.  I hope it helps.

        Better days ahead, my friends!