As Good a Time as Any!

        Last week, I'm sure I more than adequately explained, I'm not a big fan of "New Years resolutions".  

        This week, while I still feel that way, it seems a bit fitting that Life saw fit to hand me what it has, so I can make use of such a perfectly-timed need for a post topic!

        So... Let's do this.

        I'm gonna wax a little personal, again.  Actually, a lotta personal.  I need to, to demonstrate why I think this topic's timing is perfect, after all!

        About three weeks ago, now, my life took a strange turn. Well, another one. I'd *finally* found a doctor who is familiar with a condition I've been concerned I might have, but that is rare enough that few, even medical professionals, know of it. The story of how I came to even know of this condition is a long and winding one, as is the story of my trying to find a medical professional who could help me figure it out! But basically, I've found a specialist who happens to be familiar with it, and in the process of trying to "flesh out" the details and figure out if this really is what I have...we've found some things which were unexpected, are concerning, and possibly life-threatening.

        Well, this was interesting timing.

        How about we change everything, with the changing of the calendar?

        Okay, then....

        ...So now what?

        So now I'm sitting here, waiting, and thinking about how no matter what happens, life is never going to be the same, for me.  This is not the first time.  After all, I've had a huge number of completely unexpected diagnoses, since ~2009, only one of which I'd known existed before I received them!  They have just come pounding me, one after another, like waves on a beach during a storm.

        This also kind of feels like I've found myself swirling in a large body of water, headed toward a drain, unable to do much but try to cope as well as possible.  I have always known life is too short and goes by too quickly to be entirely frivolous with it; as I've mentioned before, I grew up alone with an aging, single father with a terminal heart condition, at one point living with his elderly parents who each had significant and devastating illnesses, which introduced me early to the consequences of hard living and the coping with the reality of illness.  I am facing my own issues, now, but am relatively young and was not ready for this, but I realize that I have a lot of choices to make regarding my future, and the future which will be coming, with or without me.  It's a rather harrowing thought, even with the possibility I could end up living another 60 years!  The mere fact I must contemplate such things, so unexpectedly, is powerful!

        *Cue the changing of the calendar.*

        What a perfect timing, don't you think?  I mean, here so many are currently thinking about making goals, renewing commitments and resolutions to live better, and be more healthy, and focus more toward the future, and so am I.  Except that I'm also haunted by the fact that during my post last week, I said:

        'For example... when pressed for an answer to the question, "What are your New Year's resolutions?" I usually answer with this: "My main goal for the year is to survive it.  Another is to give it meaning and purpose.  Another is to find ways to enjoy what parts of it I can."  This is not actually intended as a fully-smart-mouthed answer; instead, it is the very basis of everything I do, so in reality, those are some of my most basic goals.'

         I wasn't exactly expecting to find out, that very day, that this was going to become a very significant goal, this year, more than ever!

        However, on the other hand, I've actually been working toward some rather significant goals and changes to be decided at this time, so it's rather good timing to be able to work in some powerful realizations, at the same time!  In fact, inasmuch as I already shared something of this nature with some of my loved ones, via a familiar social network, I think I'll save me some energy by sharing it here, too.

        *A Realization about Personal Choice and Change*

        I've been debating (for months now) how change needs to happen in my life, and considered drawing the conclusion of the decision this week. Given the events of this past while, and the who-knows-what ahead, I've made my choice, for now.
        I've learned I'm a sentimentalist, a coward, a pacifist, a bipolar artist, exhausted, and one who has learned I cannot help nor stop loving someone, despite whatever circumstances. So... unlike so many I've admired who could just start throwing out stuff which (and people who) served no further, required/desired purpose, I've decided to do something evidently a little unusual.
        Therefore, I'm going to start trying to *be more of myself*. This might sound silly, but I'm learning (too quickly, and so late!) that the time of each of ours is too short and quick to *not* be who we are, nor do what we can to bring purpose, meaning, happiness, and light to ourselves and to the world.
        If you've followed the PB Project, you've seen my heart in its purest form. But there is more of me. More nerdy, more quirky, more irrelevant and maybe more surprising and possibly annoying/offensive than you might have realized/expected. There are some things I'm not sure I'll share, but if it moves me, I'm more likely to do so... I'm gonna live me, and you're welcome to come along.

     
        I'm not exactly sure what this means, yet.  The idea of even sharing it kinda freaks me out!  But you know...I've said plenty of times before, the reason the PB Project began was because of that nudging to live a fuller, more fulfilling and on-purpose life, by scaring yourself out of your comfort zone, once a week.  This project has certainly done plenty of that!  And now, maybe it's time for me to do a bit more of it, in my own self and in my own life.

        Why am I sharing this?  Perhaps it's just because I needed a topic for this week, and this is something that has been so much on my mind, it's the only topic that seemed to have a spring from which to take energy and ideas.  Maybe it's something someone else needed to have said, so that they, too, can begin a process of discovery and purpose.  It could be that I've lost my mind, and in doing so, have made it possible to create the potential for a "merry band of misfits" to possibly change the world in positive, constructive and magical ways.  Whatever the reason, I hope it helps someone.  It's a gift I offer to those who might accept it in the spirit in which it was given.

        Better days ahead, my friends!