A Very Special Request

I'll warn you, now... this post will cover a rather serious, mental health topic, but one which is evidently, very much needed, and often gets overlooked, but this post may not be suitable for every reader.

For those who are struggling, right now, there may be some triggers for you, and you may want to consider giving yourself some time before reading it, if you read it at all, hopefully in a time it won't be so difficult.

For those who love someone who has struggled, whether or not they are in some semblance of recovery, you may want to seriously consider reading it as a way to possibly find some answers.  I don't promise you'll find the ones you need, but it might open you to some ideas, anyway.

        As a person who has spent a lifetime in various circumstances related to mental and emotional health, I've learned a lot, along the way, from all kinds of places: from personal and family counseling; to inpatient and outpatient, mental health services; to private classes and seminars; to conversations with friends in the professional, mental health field; to others who have battled mental/emotional health struggles, themselves; to my own research.  I've basically spent a lifetime studying humans and their nature, though I would never say my education has been all-inclusive, nor anywhere near complete - nor even, fully adequate.  I have not formally studied in university, other than "Psych 101", my freshman year of college, so by no stretch of the imagination am I any kind of expert. 

        I tell you this so you understand this post is coming from my own, personal understanding and experience, and that of others I've known; it is in no way related to any professional entity, nor endorsed by any.  This post's topic has come about by the request of a friend, and I feel it is important enough it needs shared.  In fact, many of the things I'll be sharing, here, are directly taken from the conversion I had with this friend, and I can only hope I do right by their concerns.

        Recently, on the PB Project Facebook Page, I shared an article about some ideas for those who don't know how to deal with someone who is battling with chronic depression, such as dysthymia or Major Depression.  It was relatively short, and had only a small list of things for loved ones to consider before broaching the topic.  My friend, upon reading it, was rather incensed by the article, as they have been battling their own, serious mental illness their entire life, and though they have have learned a lot of skills to help them balance their ups and downs of living every day with this series of challenges, it has not been easy, by any definition of the word! 

        My friend has been frustrated by the idea that there are so many resources for those who are trying to deal with recently diagnosed, mental illness, but so few for those whose loved ones have gone through the process of "recovery", so many don't realize just what that means, especially in the long-term.

        And quite frankly, I have been frustrated by that, too.

        This friend of mine beautifully described how a person with this type of long-term, and even lifetime/lifelong illness might feel about their situation, including one who has their condition(s) generally under control but who still lives with them - which is often called, being "in recovery" - and what that person might wish to say to others who love and/or live around them, so I'm going to paraphrase my friend's words, slightly.  They didn't know I was actually taking notes, but I'm dearly glad I did!  I'm going to phrase it in terms of "us", to be fair; and I'm listing as follows, because it's easier to read and, well, I like bullet lists.

• One, painful thing that happens is that people get tired of it (so they back away from us, and the situation).  If a person has to deal with this for months, years, or even decades, it becomes difficult for those who love us to deal with it.  Believe me, it gets old for us, too!  We desperately need people to not give up on us, simply because it is difficult not to do so.

• We need a strong support network.  We need people who can help us in various ways, and at various times.  One way to help keep loved ones from burning out is to balance our needs with things others can provide, and these things can be split up among more than one person, when possible.  Having a variety of dependable, caring people helps the weight on one person to be much less.  This, in turn, can make giving support a lot easier and more pleasant.
• Do we need company?  Who can come visit regularly to help us maintain a grounding sense of safe connection? 
• Do we need rides to doctor appointments, grocery shopping or other things?  Who can provide that? 
• Do we need to know that when we need someone, at any time, day or night, someone will be there?  Who can be available? 
• Do we need someone to help us find a list of people and resources, including for our support network - which might also include doctors, counselors, or other professionals?  Who will be willing to help us make that happen?
• Are there other needs or problems which need addressed?  Who can help take on the challenge of figuring them out, and connecting them with solutions?

• We can't always call in sick, or ask for leniency, because our feelings of guilt and fear can be overwhelming. If we told the people we work/go to school with, they would start wondering if we're going to be capable enough to do what needs done.  Sometimes stigma can automatically color the judgment of those who aren't familiar with the intricacies and variances of mental illness, including the differences from one person to another, and under different circumstances.  
• While having an illness does sometimes affect one's ability to do a job, that illness does not automatically mean that doing a job is an impossibility for that person, regardless of how another might handle a similar situation.  
• The fact is, there are very few people who do not know someone with some form of mental illness, including depression - you might just not know it, because prejudice, discrimination, and stigma are real enemies to those with such an illness, which often makes trying to get help and support a difficult and frightening challenge.
• Just as one's physical health can have it's ups and downs, so can one's mental health.  Some people with chronic, physical illness might need to occasionally ask for leniency with regard to things like autoimmune flares.  The same is true for some forms of mental illness. 
• For example, sometimes things pop up in life which make it more challenging to handle daily living, and in order to get back to regular functioning, it may take a few days to recover.  
• Those who are grieving, or recovering from a traumatic incident, might know that an anniversary could make their performance suffer, and need to take a day or two to get through that experience, and then return.  
• These examples are not unlike one who had a cold and could take a day or two, to get back to work: if it becomes something which seriously detracts from an employee's/student's ability to do their job, that is one thing; if it is something they can generally balance, then that is another. 
• There is no need to assume that a person with mental illness will be any less capable of fulfilling a role, than anyone else who has any form of chronic health condition.  However, each situation is different, just as each situation is different for anyone else.

• I can plan for situations that are hard for me, but sometimes by the time something goes wrong, I unravel because I’m so exhausted.  Or, if I forget to plan for one thing I need and then the need pops up, I may not be able to cope.  There are times I need to set things up differently than you might expect, and it takes a lot of effort, skills and planning.  Having a mental/emotional illness is a lot of work, much like having a chronic, physical illness.  There are things which often need to be considered before going anywhere, including possible complications due to anxiety or medication management.  Things like sleep, food and even environmental concerns, like temperature, noise levels, and light, might need to be adapted to the circumstances of the illness.

• I’ve learned how to cope, but when I’m in this place, I can’t.  Even when a person is considered "in recovery", because they've been through appropriate, effective treatment and are generally considered to be able to live a functional, productive life, there are still going to be times when problems can happen to cause "relapses", or crisis states.  Even when we have effectively learned skills and are able and willing to use them properly, there are still going to be times when those skills just aren't going to do the job.  This is similar to those with a chronic, physical illness, who do everything they can to take care of themselves, but still experience flares.
• (I can't help but ask,) what happens when you’ve learned about your illness, and you feel you need to be more independent in order to maintain that image, for yourself and for others?  Healthy enough to start living again, but still…things aren’t cutting it?  
• You get tired of using the skills over and over and over…night after night after night…you don’t want to turn the TV/phone/computer off, because those are your coping skills, and as soon as you turn them off, the thoughts/feelings/etc. come back.  I’m ******* tired of using the ******* skills!  
• "My life is not bad, and yet I’m suicidal."
  "This is not who I am, it is my illness."
  "I know I’m not going to do it, but in the moment it feels…"
  This is what I tell myself when things are this bad.  But it doesn't always help that much.
• What I want is to sleep in my own bed tonight, rather than at the hospital; what I need... I don’t know.
• Sometimes, having someone with whom we can share these things, without worry of being judged or feared, or having someone overreact or panic, can make all the difference.  Being able to talk it through, and not have to deal with your handling it, on top of ours, is often exactly what we need.  Often, we don't need you to do anything about it other than listen; just knowing we're not alone is what it takes.
• I am being honest, so please treat me with respect.  Having you be supportive and not treating me like I’m a mess can be very helpful to my handling things.  
• If we have to continually worry about your attitudes, fears, and opinions, including the way you treat us because of our illness, our symptoms will only be more difficult for us to handle, ourselves.  
• Even if you don't agree with what is going on, respecting our needs, feelings and opinions is a huge part of our recovery.  We need to be able to trust you.
• Feeling like we have some sense of control over our situation and what happens, even if it is a small one, can help us feel more safe and relaxed about everything.  Feeling like everything is out of our control is one of the fastest ways to relapse.
• Your support in helping us manage our illness in patient, caring and respectful ways can make our long-term recovery possible.

        I know this was a long post, full of a lot of information, but I dearly hope that someone can benefit from reading it.  Those who offer caring support as partners, family, friends, other whanau, and others in the community, create a network of individuals who can provide the kind of strength and security that a person with mental illness needs in order to live a full, functional and balanced life.  It is by no means easy, but by working together, we can make it happen.

        Better days ahead, my friends!