Treading the Storm

        Ever feel like life seems to be nothing but a storm-tossed sea; one wave after another; a cold, dark and endless deep?

        Neither do I.  Just checking.

        Seriously, though, since this whole Project and all its parts have been created with the aim of helping you not feel so alone in challenges, I suppose an explanation of my blogging absence might be in order.  I've not abandoned you; I promise.

        In fact, most days this past year have been that all I could do was try to keep the PB Project FB Page going.  Before getting up, and before going to sleep, I grab my phone and scroll through a feed of pages that post images/thoughts that I think might uplift and/or inspire, whether I'm feeling it, myself, or not.  I've mentioned how I so often feel like a hypocrite and fraud, because I keep doing this even when it doesn't even seem to be helping me, much less anyone else!

        On the other hand, on the darkest, most physically and mentally, painful days, those little efforts might be the most light I can get myself to see, so I can't exactly say the effort is a complete waste.  After all, even if this Project never touches anyone else, it at least has helped me pull myself along!  And you know... if you read this, have followed the Project page, and/or have shown any sign that it has touched your life in any way at all... then you have helped pull me along, too.

        Congratulations!  You've just inadvertently helped someone.  And in the event something this Project has done has indeed helped anyone else, then guess what?  You've just helped someone else, too, and all you did was click your mouse somewhere, a time or two! 

        (Wow, nice job, PB!  You've just totally made this whine-fest into a promo!  How on earth do I do that, and is that a good thing?)

*pauses for a moment of introspection...

then realizes the post isn't published so decides to get on with it*

       The fact is, you're kinda seeing a window into my life, here.  There are few who really know me, but I imagine they would agree... what you get here is a reflection of the way things work.  There are times when I have energy, stamina, a non-stop flow of ideas and all kinds of projects going (like this one), all at once...
     
        ...but there are also the darker, more empty times, when my mind just can't shake off the cold gloom, and it seems like all the stuff that came out of me before is just a stupid demonstration of how silly I am, and how publicly I can humiliate myself.  The loss of energy, and any apparent caring, can be a very heavy emptiness, indeed.
     
        Welcome to the world of Bipolar II, otherwise known as cyclothymia, or as Stephen Fry called it, "Bipolar Light".  I'm currently on fairly good meds, so I'm fairly even, but my "baseline" (or the fairly normal/standard place between the ups and downs) on meds tends to be dysthymia, or a chronic, though fairly mild, low mood. 

        Basically, when I'm stable, I feel like the scenes in movies with the camera just under the surface of water, as the character struggles toward air but just can't reach it.  I was off all psych meds for two years, because of some complications, and began to see myself in new light.
     
        What Mr Fry describes is quite accurate.  It was not until the second year off the meds (the longest I'd been off any form of meds since I was a teen), I started seeing pattern cycles, increasing in both intensity and frequency... I rapid cycle, meaning - well, that I rather often have shifts between highs and lows.  I can be giddy one moment, and lost, another... or, in a "mixed" state, I can be full of energy but in darkness, so can quickly lose my temper, then fall into hopelessness.

        I'm not exactly proud to admit this to the internet.  Mr Fry is right; if a person admits to having any form of mental illness, there is, in response, The Look.  A flicker in the eyes, or perhaps a misstep in conversation, or what have you... it just happens.  And sometimes, quite frankly, it might be easier to have an obvious, physical disability that people can accept more easily, because things like diabetes and paraplegia are something most people can understand.

        Well, okay, that's not always true, but the point remains.  I may get snide, non-concealed but indirect comments from people who see someone who looks healthy, parking in labeled parking or riding the carts in stores, but that's because of physical issues and limitations outside of my control.  However, sometimes those tears are easier than the distance caused by my admitting that sometimes my not seeing the world the way other people seem to, affects every part of my life.

        Why am I sharing this, then?  Why risk humiliation, rejection and alienation, when most people would have no idea?  Why set myself up for the ultimate heartache, simply because I can't seem to keep my big "mouth" shut?

        Because there are others I know and love, who struggle with this disease (and other, similar ones), too.  Most seem to have Bipolar I, or the typical, super-highs and lows, but the point is the same.  I've watched some stand up and be counted, whether through social media, or earning degrees and licensing to help and guide others.  I've watched them fight bravely, with strength they often cannot see in themselves.  I want them to know, and you also if you face this kind of battle, that my love, admiration and empathy goes with all of you!

        Maybe one day I'll cover some other things, too, but for now, this is what moved me.  I don't easily throw out things just for the sake of having it out there; if it doesn't move me, I've a hard time moving.  Besides, this post is long enough!  I would imagine, however, that if you commented or brought up ideas for conversation, somewhere, things would fall out of my head to answer, as they always do. ;)

Better days ahead, my friends.