So, it's Monday (when I likely will post this anyway), and so, as is my tradition, I'm here working on my personal challenge of taking on Christine Morgan's "Unfortunately, last week's omission of a post was not due to my abysmal memory failing me again. Actually, it's been a particularly rough, few weeks full of grief and pain, and so I decided that the way I was feeling by that Sunday, there was no way I would be okay with whatever I'd thrown together.
I had been working on a post, but it wasn't anything publish-worthy. Since this whole Project is about demonstrating "real life", last week became a demonstration of letting go, for the sake of one's ability to rest and recover. Rather than skip a section of her book, I'm just going to otherwise ignore that last weekend happened, and go from here.
"If we don't change, we don't grow.
If we don't grow, we are not really living.
If we don't grow, we are not really living.
Growth demands a temporary
surrender of security."
~ Gail Sheehy
~ Gail Sheehy
And Christine asks:
What change are you willing to make?
Yes, I know why. Let's let that part of the past stay back there, and move on. More important, anyway.
Along the PB journey, I've explained some of my physical and mental makeup that has helped bring me to where I am. But where am I? No, I'm not giving you my address, but that's not what I meant, anyway. Mostly, I refer to my place in the Journey.
And I am exactly...
...am I lost? Ugh, tell me I'm not lost! What kind of a blog post is this, if I have to admit that right now, I'm in a spot on the bipolar continuum where I'm at the survival mark, and not a whole lot more. But maybe I know what I need.
I need...
...to rekindle my vision of hope, quite frankly. I've always before been one who survives the lower times, works to pull things back together when I can, then does everything possible to get something done while I can, on those occasions when that "can" might actually meet or exceed the level of my "cannot". I need to find a solid piece of something that allows me to grow, and yet stays within my range of ability, given my physical, mental, and emotional quirks and regressions.
Actually the PB Project has been incredibly helpful, pulling me along and requiring obedience to my personal commitment. Every day, I at least try to make some kind of effort to do something...a paragraph here, a Facebook page share there, something behind the scenes, perhaps...anything that forces me to do at least one thing positive in the entire day. Some days are better than others, but that's just the way life works.
So what can I change, this week, that can allow me to grow?
What tiny piece of security might I be willing to set free, in order to make a little progress?
It's taken me two weeks to figure something out, though really, it's been happening through the entire, two weeks, and then some. I've been trying to find ways to solidify my life a little, in order to make life work a little better, and to help me work a little more efficiently. It seems like I've been floating around, unable to get much accomplished for ages, and no matter what I've tried, nothing has seemed to help. With every day that passes that I feel like I've accomplished so little, my sense of disconnection and hopelessness grows.
I know I'm not the only one who experiences this phenomenon,
though maybe I'm the only one who is willing to admit it in public.
That's okay; that was the fundamental premise of the Project.
Here I go again.
I hope to explain the process I'm doing in a future post. But to answer this question, what change am I willing to make?... I will answer with the one that must happen, in order to have the others begin to fall into place. It may not seem like the most obvious one, but it's the one that makes the most sense, to me.
When I was able to take advantage of an opportunity to have an amazing pain and trauma therapy guide, she continually stressed that I need to take control of my own pain and illness management. I had gone to her specifically for this reason, and she was a powerful force for good in the process. I have journals full of my daily tracking...my pain levels; my emotional states; after a while, my diet in order to track my autoimmune responses; my goals, both short- and long-term, and steps toward accomplishing them; and the circumstances at that time, to give me better context to evaluate my progress. Incredibly helpful, I believe everyone could benefit from such tools in building mindfulness.
Only through being aware can we make any change for the better, after all.
A major goal, is to be more physically active. Anyone and everyone benefits from exercise, but for someone living with chronic pain and illness, it is vital to treatment and progress. Working our bodies properly helps use avoid atrophy, pain, stiffness and even decay. Mine happens to do that a bit more quickly than most, so I have to be sure to at least try to be regularly active. My guide encouraged 30 minutes of sustained activity, 6 days a week. This could be as simple as walking around the house, doing light housework, or getting out for a walk around the block. On the better days, getting to the physical and aquatic therapy clinic (aka, "gym") to work on my strength and endurance with greater intensity. Just ways to keep my focus on progress.
Unfortunately, my body meets my attempts at progress with equal resistance. Realizing that the progress I make is simply to move "backward" a little more slowly, is tough to face. I'm fairly good at grieving, these days, and I realize that I cannot allow it to take over my entire life. I'm going to have to keep trying, or things will simply overtake me...much like trying to keep a garden weeded so the wild plants don't take over and crowd out the desired ones.
It is a continual, grueling process, but it must be done.
My change, however...the security I need to "temporarily" surrender...is related, but also unrelated. To be blunt: if I'm going to be going for walks around the neighborhood and such, I'm going to have to be brave enough to step outside and risk my body giving out, or other unforeseen, negative experiences happening. This is one of my most humiliating battles, but I know I'm not alone; the powers that have been gave it a name, even: agoraphobia. Scary little word, but it just means that I've allowed my fear to trap me in ways that make a lot of things many people take for granted, incredibly difficult.
As Socrates said,
"The secret of change
is to focus all of your energy,
not on fighting the old,
but on building the new."
I need to let go of my fear.
Okay, I feel exposed enough for one week. I have been told that my doing this has helped open windows and doors for others, so I continue, hoping that someone who needs it will benefit. After all, we humans are communal creatures for a reason. Love and light to us all.
Better days ahead, my friends.
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