This week, I'm going to write about... my writing. I'd more or less been floating around a topic for this week's post, and came across something which resonated so purely with me, it dropped all the other thoughts I'd had, and had me riveted. This post is unlikely to be as riveting as her message was to me, but it might at least touch someone, in some way, hopefully positive, and that is all it is meant to be. My heart speaking to someone else's. So, here we go.
I write about the power of trying,
because I want to be okay with failing.
I write about generosity
because I battle selfishness.
I write about joy
because I know sorrow.
I write about faith
because I almost lost mine,
and I know what it is to be broken
and in need of redemption.
I write about gratitude
because I am thankful - for all of it.
~ Kristin Armstrong
How I became a writer, has been a long and winding tale. I remember I enjoyed the creative writing assignments as a child; carrying large piles of fiction books to and from the library with my mother each Saturday; and pouring through dictionaries and encyclopedias at length. I recall having loved writing essays as I progressed in school, and excelled in advanced English classes, in literary analysis and creative writing. My deeply emotional nature has been known to intermittently surface and produce the occasional poem in an effort to pour the feelings out into the universe when I could no longer contain them. I've had two blogs, as I've mentioned before, including this one, and the extension of the PB Project on Facebook and elsewhere, and so my gift for communicating ideas through words continues to flow.
The PB Project itself came about as a result of how many people agreed with me that there needed to be a place wherein people can share their attempts to deal with life's challenges through a positive perspective. There is so much chaos of negativity and pain out there, having a haven in which we can be who we are, in all our quirky and messy glory, is a gift that I could offer the world. I'm not always great at it, because of my own, personal challenges, but I do my best, and when I struggle, it always seems like someone else picks up the pace and helps carry it with me, if only in comments and support of those of others. It has become a beautiful opportunity for which I am incredibly grateful. Funnily enough, in that gratitude, my words often fail me in expressing myself properly.
I write about the power of trying, because I want to be okay with failing.
My life has been a series of various failures, both of mine and of others, and also of other things completely out of my control. That is the nature of life, I think! The culture of my upbringing was very focused on striving toward perfection, and tended toward black-and-white thinking. My personality combined with these things to create a lot of conflict and anxiety, and I was terrified of failure - I wasn't afraid to fail, nor to be a failure, but of the social and other consequences to accompany them. With that in mind, whenever I am approached with the concept of trying, I try to express what a gift it is, and how no matter the result, nothing is wasted in the process. I've learned we succeed in some positive way, whether we achieve our aims or not, which might be the best thing I've gained from those failures.
I write about generosity because I battle selfishness.
Another thing I was taught was to avoid selfishness at all costs! Unfortunately, what I was not taught was that there is a difference between selfishness and self-compassion/self-care, and have had to learn it the hard way, through painful experience. Being able to be mindful of our own needs and circumstances, and provide ourselves the means to remain healthy in the tending of those needs, goes a long way toward behaving in more selfless, generous ways. I'm not going to give a full lesson in the difference, but basically...selfishness is a dedication to only oneself with no consideration of others, whereas self-care is more focused on being healthy so one can also tend to the rest of one's life, including the other people in it. It also means that I can be about my own business of taking care of what I need to do, rather than focusing on the attitudes and sometimes selfishness of others.
I write about joy because I know sorrow.
Most of what I do in the PB Project is based on facing life as it really is, but also looking to see it in balance. I have had a friend who would say in her messages to me things like, "Life is hard, but life is good." There are sometimes excruciating agonies in life, which press so hard on a person that many call it a miracle that a person even survives them. And yet, people do, every day. In fact, there are those who greet those circumstances with strength and courage, even when they don't realize they are, and they survive, come to live through, and even come to thrive despite them! We don't have to be experiencing the joy to look toward it. In fact, that reaching is toward the light that will bring us closer to it. I've often heard something to the effect of, "Happiness is transient, whereas joy can persist despite it." I join with my friends, here, in seeking that hope.
I write about faith because I almost lost mine...
This is a tricky one for me to try to explain, as I try to keep to a neutral stance with regard to such things. But "faith" isn't just about religion, though many at least link the two. I think it comes down to what do I think about my experience, and the circumstances thereof? How do I feel about continuing this journey, and what are my choices regarding those feelings? In order to approach these kinds of questions, I have remind you that I do have mild Bipolar Disorder, as well as anxiety issues and a rare, degenerative, genetic disease with chronic pain which has only recently been diagnosed, but not fully due to issues with insurance and such. So, often, under difficult circumstances, those things combine into a very powerful struggle between my "incurable optimism" and my incurable mortality. So when I write about "faith", it's as much about belief that any of this is worth fighting to survive, as anything; and I've almost lost mine on a number of occasions, which is why I reach out and try to let you know that someone understands, you aren't alone, and that is the very heart of the PB Project. It typically isn't that we don't think it's worth it, but that we're seeking a reason why it is, which is why we're in this together - we can't get through this life alone.
...and I know what it is to be broken and in need of redemption.
If a human can make it to adulthood without having been figuratively or physically broken in some way, even if it's simply chipped in a few places, then that is a very unusual human. We've all experienced disappointments, heartaches, losses, injuries, scars, and other things which have left marks, or taken pieces of our hearts as we move forward in time. Like "faith", the idea of "redemption" has a number of connotations, and is just as much about our perception of reality. Have you ever felt absolutely broken, in the figurative sense? As in, unable to function in some way(s) because of some kind of experience which radically effected your life? Unfortunately, I can say I have, and therefore I can also say that I have learned what it means to define redemption in a very personal, but pragmatic way. When we are broken, we need to be "fixed", or in human terms, healed. I have been deeply grateful for love which has helped me pull through those times when I was just trying to survive while gasping through each day. It is that kind of love and patience which has deepened my empathy and allowed me to have that kind for others, when I have been better.
I write about gratitude because I am thankful - for all of it.
Can a person really be grateful for these things - all of them? Can we truly see our painful, miserable, and even depressing experiences to be good things? If we can look at them as how we were able to learn, grow, and free ourselves from who we were before... whatever it is, there are ways to shift our perspective and seek those things which have been positive in the experience.
For instance, for me, failure has taught me that it is not as destroying as I thought, and I can actually learn how to do better in the future, knowing to not make those choices the same way, in the future. Learning self-compassion and self-care has helped me to not be so focused on one way or the other - focused only on other people, or only on myself - so that I can find more balance in my life; also, to not be so affected by the selfishness of others, as I can focus instead on my own choices. By coming to understand my sorrow, I have been able to learn new skills or means of refocusing on the things which cause me joy, even if it takes a while to pull myself back. I'm learning who I am; I'm learning how to heal; I'm learning so many things, which have made me a better human. I cannot deny those experiences, because I need to embrace myself as I am, and that means I've had to go through them in order to live my truth.
I hope this has value to someone, as it has had for me. I'm always happy to share, in case it does.
Better days ahead, my friends!
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