When "I'm sorry" just isn't enough,
can't be said,
or doesn't matter -
regardless of how much sorrow is felt,
regret is compounded,
nor wish for forgiveness craved.
I am a person trained in the language of, "I'm sorry." In fact, if I'm not fluent, I'm pretty darned-near close to it! I try to balance and round out my vocabulary with plenty of fluency in "Thank you", but I've had to learn that, almost entirely self-taught, so it's the best I can do; if it isn't right, proper nor good enough...it will have to do, for now.
But I grew up being taught to be sorry for...pretty much everything. There seemed no way to provide restitution for things that were out of my control - like being a trusting, sensitive, naive child; and having been born - you know, things that should have been planned better on my part.
Over the years, I've come to terms with my being, "different". I'm incredibly shy of others' judgment, but I accept it as an unavoidable part of life. All I can do is try to be as decent a person as possible, and do all I can in hope for goodness, love and light. Usually people comment that I tend to be loving, kind, patient and a good friend. Those are among the things I treasure most, so that works out okay. If I falter or fail, all I can do is express my apology for not being perfect, and hope those involved can forgive me of my shortcomings.
The trouble is, sometimes people have their hearts set on holding on to those pieces of imperfection, idiosyncrasy, quirkiness and occasional misdirection. Sometimes, when they hurt, they lash out against anyone and/or anything onto which they can unleash some of their misery. Sometimes, no amount of apology, heartache, begging to find resolution/restitution, nor any other means of trying to make up for a failure of being, saying or doing something they've chosen to interpret as offense, can cover the gap between agony and forgiveness.
This is what Life has taught me, about such things. There are times when there is simply nothing that one can do, not because there would be nothing possible, but because the other party would be unwilling to let it go. They'll either hold onto the offense they chose to adopt, never trust again, or find a way to make it clear the relationship will never be allowed back into its former state. In effect, no amount of attempting to rectify will ever be allowed to do its thing.
Naturally, I've a bit of experience with this phenomenon. I therefore do all I can to not allow myself to damage a relationship I value, on the grounds of being wounded by human foibles. Quite frankly, I am willing to accept some risk of potential pain, because for me, I value the love of friends and family more than I'm worried about my pride. I don't want anyone else to feel, from me, the pain I've felt at not being forgiven for something like being weak, distracted or unable to be/do what I was able to, before. I want my love to conquer all that it can.
On the other hand, I don't want to allow myself to be abused, either. I've been trying too hard to be healthy, to allow myself to accept that from myself. I've learned to give or extend only what I can afford to lose, but with the belief that it will always do something good. I don't believe that any love sent out into the Universe is ever wasted; I believe it soothes, beautifies and nurtures all that is within its reach, and beyond through exchange. That doesn't mean it must be accepted by the intended party, but it is worth giving, in my perspective. It is not risking vulnerability to give your heart an allowance, of sorts. It opens us up to greater opportunities for learning, growth and joy, in fact!
So yes, I do usually offer, "I'm sorry", give apologies and ask your forgiveness if I've wronged you, either in reality or perception. I leave them in your hands, to do with them what you like. I likely forgive you, if you wish to be forgiven for something, but in any case, you are more important to me than most offenses. I just want to live in love, light and peace, and offer my help to you, to do the same.
Anyway, this just happened to be another one of those things on my mind. I'll likely post this at some point in the future, at least after I have had a chance to close my eyes for a while, as it's now 5:30 am and I've not managed to let myself sleep, yet! But I still wish us...
Better days ahead, my friends!
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