A Pause...To Breathe, Rest, Reflect, and Renew

        Since I've pretty much caught up on what I wanted to do at the moment, and being my typically-stubborn self when it comes to actually sleeping when my body's time zone is doing so, my thoughts turned to writing a post that wasn't just another Monday post - how novel! - and since my thoughts have lately been about some of the following, I figured I'd let those who are following this, follow along, as I follow up on the following.

       As I may have mentioned, a time or two (or more), I'm not a big fan of cliches.  For various reasons, my feeling is that if one wants to truly connect and help carry a load, one must begin with sincerity, from within.  To me, that means not falling back on the tried-and-true, one-size-fits-all mentality.

        But that wasn't the point of this post.  My point is more in the general vicinity of...one set of cliches, in particular.  Because while tried, trying and true, they are rather painful to bear...which is actually the point.

        Yes, I think I actually, eventually got to my point!  I think.

        I've just been thinking about the one attributed to F. Nietzsche, about what doesn't kill you.  Around here, that is a standard go-to, when someone is carrying a burden that one can't imagine how it hasn't squashed them flat!  I think it is my least favorite, actually.  Do they think about the quote, beyond what they mean by it?  Do they know who Nietzsche was?  Do they understand the context?  Do they have firm opinions about them, that would be affected if they did, in fact, know them?  Are they actually aware of what they're actually saying?

        Some do, sincerely, believe the line, and that's okay.  But what about using their own words, to demonstrate they really mean what they say?  Again, not the point, but perhaps I'm due for a bit of soapbox presentation?  Either way, take it or leave it.  I promise not to cry if you do either.

        Sometimes, it gets rather...difficult...trying to function like a contributing member of society.  "The part of Killjoy will be played by PB."  No matter what anyone tries to do, that includes me, special considerations need to be made.

• Going out?  Cane, meds, inhaler, more comfortable set of clothing, water bottle, etc., because being caught without my basics is a very bad idea, and I have to be careful even what water I drink.  
• Eating somewhere not at home? Meds, water, food, including something snack-ish and sweet-ish, in the event something I can't have will make me crave and want to cry.  Because I can't eat most things found in restaurants or the typical homemade fare, and being hit by surprise with a sudden longing smacks me sideways, usually, and that isn't fun for nearly anyone. 
• Possibility of cold temps?  Bring extra layers, because who knows which kind of cold will hit at the wrong moment, and send me into debilitating pain! 
• Possibility of intimidation, social awkwardness or sudden shyness?  A special necklace I keep as a grounding object; paper; pen(s); and/or the cell phone; which tend to help me pull myself out of the situation and deflect my own anxiety.  Certain, urgent meds can help, too, but I'd rather not go there if I can help it. 

        Am I making sense?  Maybe I'm just hosting a pity party for one, here, but on the other hand, I'm also asking you to understand and be patient, not only with me, but with yourself and others who tend to be like this.  This goes beyond just counting spoons; it can be difficult to hang out with someone so complex...but think about how it is to have to hang out, as that someone, all the time!  Could you handle it?

       I could now follow up with a positive spin, and mention that in some ways, I can be grateful for this unfortunate doorway into understanding others with chronic illness and pain.  I could mention how I can be grateful to see better into the human mind and heart, and hopefully provide a kind of bridge or intermediary between those who suffer and those who do not, helping both sides understand better.  I could say that I'm grateful that I happened to have a mix of training; support; empathy; stubborn "positivity"; and a chronic, nearly-incurable sense of hope... all of which combine to help me help myself and others stay alive during moments of darkness.

        I could also say that I've been enjoying the ambiguity a bit much in that former paragraph.

        Actually, I think I'll just say all of those things, because this post was written during two, different nights of being up far, too late, and as can be the case in many things, these two nights happened to be very different in feeling, for me.  I might not have said those things when I began the post, but I can say them now.  Perhaps that can also just go to show that even when you're throwing yourself a pity party, you don't have to overstay the welcome!

        Better days ahead, my friends!